Take Back The Living Room!

Do your kiddos love a little X-box or PlayStation time? According to NPD, 91% of children in United States ages 2-17 play video games. That's a whopping 64 million children. While gaming can be a great outlet, the enjoyment in my home can quickly turn into 'game-rage' when you add losing to the mix. Read on to hear how I stepped up my mom game and reclaimed my living room from one sore loser.

"Fortnite is ruining my life." -fellow mom at football practice

If you are a parent, and you’re not Amish, you are well aware of the hypnotic power electronic devices have over our children. I’ve witnessed my niece engrossed in ‘slime making’ videos for what felt like a decade, and I’ve seen my friend’s son watch videos other kids playing with toys until the phone needed to be forcibly taken from his angry little baby-hands. If you’re a parent of a young child you are almost most certainly no stranger to the lure of YouTube, with its myriad of animated delights that soothe even the most savage three-year-old. While listening to “Baby Shark” is the perfect tantrum diffuser when you’re in a jiffy, there’s another more sinister side of tech-entertainment that instigates emotional stress in homes across the world every single day; video games.

In fact, nothing sends my kid into a blistering rage quite like Fortnite. He’s eleven and is well versed in the world of gaming. He’s a big fan of Madden, Call of Duty, and of course the latest online gaming craze, Fortnite. He loves getting X-box time…until he loses. He’s an otherwise well-adjusted kid! He does well in school, is an excellent athlete, and well-liked by his peers. He is mature in so many ways but he just can’t seem to shake it off when he doesn’t do well in a game.

I just don't get it, and I'm over it.

As a parent, hearing him lose his mind every time the X-box is on and things aren’t going his way can be totally infuriating. Odds are you know exactly the feeling I am talking about. As a very non-competitive individual I have a hard time understanding the issue with losing in the first place, but losing at something that is completely irrelevant to real life really pushes my patience. I put a lot of thought into my kid’s happiness. It seemed like even if we had just had an awesome day, it all went in the trash once he had a controller in his hands.

His energy effected the entire vibe of the house. He’d stomp around. He’d mope around. He’d mutter under his breath (one of my mom pet peeves). I’d lose my temper and in my best ‘mom voice’ exclaim something like, “You need to calm down! This is ridiculous! This doesn’t even MATTER. It’s not even REAL LIFE!” As soon as I’d notice him losing his temper I’d demand that he turn the X-box off and do something else, but the same thing would inevitably happen the next time he was able to play. I didn’t get why he’d even want to continue playing. I was at my wits’ end and the problem was not getting any better.

Change it up, mom!

Then I realized a few things. Sure, I didn’t get what the big deal was. I didn’t understand why winning or losing these games mattered, but whether I understood or not, it mattered to him. Even if I don’t understand how he feels, that doesn’t take away from what he is feeling. I also realized that he was never going to overcome this response if I made him turn the X-box off the minute he seemed irritated. Sure it was more peaceful for me, but he wasn’t gaining the skills he needed and just getting more and more frustrated with his inability to stay calm!

So I changed everything about the way I was handling this whole X-Box situation and seriously stepped up my mom-game. I started investigating, and asking him to investigate, why it made him so upset to lose. It turned out to be much deeper than I could have ever imagined. As I mentioned before my kid is pretty great, he adamantly strives to get straight A’s and is sort of a perfectionist. He kicks himself for days over B’s or missing that pass at practice. I obviously don’t reinforce this sort of thing but he just kind of came out that way.

I quickly discovered that Noah really places his self-concept on his accomplishments. Maybe I praised his good work too much. Maybe I didn’t remind him often enough that he doesn’t have to be perfect, that I love him just for being him. Sigh, the cycle of mom guilt is so real! Nonetheless he explained that when he loses at Fortnite, or Madden he feels bad about himself. He told me he felt even worse when he lost his temper, because then he was mad at himself for feeling mad in the first place. He felt totally embarrassed. What a vicious cycle!

Turning off the X-Box every time he was angry taught him nothing about dealing with these feelings. So instead we started hunkering down and talking through his very real feelings. We watched videos on tips for diffusing anger, like deep breathing or trying to find the humor in whatever situation is causing anger. We even watched videos of other people losing their tempers over video games, which I found especially effective. I’ve started to introduce more phrases like, “challenges make us stronger,” and “You might not be able to control how you feel, but you’re in charge of how your react to those feelings.” Sometimes I just remind him that winning or losing a video game has nothing to do with who he is as a person.

Now if I see that he is getting frustrated during a game, rather then add my own frustration on top of his, I sit with him. I remind him it’s okay to be angry and that he’s learning a new skill. It might take time to master the art of losing gracefully, and even some adults can’t do so. I can see a lot of improvement already, and its more than just promoting a more peaceful living room. It’s not just the X-Box. I’m helping my kid learn a life skill that will serve him for his entire life, and that feels really good.

Listen, parenting is hard. We have to look out for each other! Maybe your beautiful babies are struggling with gaming rage too, and I’m sure it can get on your last nerve, but hang in there! Use it as an opportunity to promote a seriously great life skill.