Once upon a time, The Ugly Christmas Sweater was a pinnacle of glory.
Our forefathers' and foremothers' closets were filled with these unimaginable specimens.
That we would unveil unabashedly at parties where we knew no one.
Because the grislier the sweater, the more legendary we became.
And if not the sweater, we could still conquer with the formidable ugly Christmas VEST.
Needle by needle, thread by thread, puff paint by puff paint, we would stop at nothing to create the most hideous masterpiece.
And we have fallen so far.
What part of ugly don't you understand?!??
How dare you bring an innocent pug into this?
You burn the eyes of grandmas and teachers everywhere!!
YOU'RE A DISGRACE TO THE WINTER CREATURES THAT GRACE OUR PLANET.
We have become captive to the hands of capitalism.
We have fallen for its most convincing deceptions!
It is time that we revive the holiday heroism of our ancestors.
AND BURN CAPITALISM DOWN TO THE GROUND.
Possibilities are endless. Embrace your sweater monstrosity.
