I Ate These Pills To Make My Farts Smell Better And My Body's Still Confused

TBH, farting for others is an acquired skill.

I am a person who farts.

Christina Lan / Buzzfeed

In fact, I sometimes have very STINKY farts because of my sensitive stomach. But since I'm not disciplined enough to regulate my diet, I eat everything and fart spasmodically.

Usually, I wait until there's no one around to fart or I sink my butt into the crevices of a couch and let it all out. The myth that "girls don't fart!" made me pretty self-conscious growing up.

In order to fart publicly without blighting others, I tried these pills that claim to produce rose-scented farts.

Christina Lan / Buzzfeed

Christina Lan / Buzzfeed

pilulepet.com

I happened upon these pills while I was browsing Pinterest and there was only one serious review. In her video, the reviewer said that she couldn't really smell them but that she also hadn't been able to fart as much.

Prior to buying the pills, I checked on their site to see if the ingredients were ~safe~ to consume. While you can navigate the site in English, the page with ingredients is completely in French. Considering the fact that the ingredients referenced Wikipedia and were endorsed by a peculiar necromancer, I consulted a gastroenterologist, Dr. Robynne Chutkan.

It turns out that the main ingredient, activated charcoal, doesn't cause harm and should bind nutrients and gas to your gut. Feeling more assured, I ordered one bottle with 60 capsules and just as the bearded wizard had guaranteed, it arrived in plain packaging that wouldn't inform the postman of my ailment.

The Setup

• I had three willing participants who would judge my farts.

• I would take six charcoal pills (the suggested amount) after every meal.

• I would fart for each judge multiple times and ask them to smell immediately afterward.

These were the pills:

Christina Lan / Buzzfeed

They were so black and beautiful. I felt like I was ingesting a potion that would reveal to me the dark secrets of my enemies.

Curious about the taste, I chewed one of the capsules, which of course, turned out to be a TERRIBLE IDEA.

Christina Lan / Buzzfeed

Activated charcoal is sandy tasting? Tearing apart the beady particles made me feel like I was trying a mixture of black mud and licorice. Needless to say, I was not excited for what it would do to my gut.

The first day, I was more constipated, my stomach felt queasier than usual, and I found myself unable to fart for others.

Christina Lan / Buzzfeed

The unexpected outcome of taking these pills was discovering how "fart-shy" I was in front of others. I came into this confident that when I needed to let one out, I could call over another person and boldly expel gas. That was not the case. My farts turned inward and took revenge on my stomach.

Only when I became inebriated later that day did my body decide that it was OK to shamelessly fart in front of others, which ended up being strangers on a train.

Christina Lan / Buzzfeed

The next few days, I slowly gained the confidence to fart for my judges.

Christina Lan / Buzzfeed

I found that I couldn't "save" a fart for them. Instead, it was easier to sit next to them and fart instinctively, notifying them each time I let one out. Here were their thoughts:

Judge 1: I sat next to her during a play and passed gas at the beginning of the second act. After, she told me that something smelled like a strong waft of floral perfume. So, since this was the first test, I was strongly convinced that the pills produced their intended effect.

Judge 2 (pictured above): The first few times, she said she couldn't smell anything. Once, she detected a hint of something that "didn't smell bad."

"I'm not thinking, 'Oh, someone really needs to go to the bathroom,' but instead I'm getting something that smells like cleaning supplies."

Great. My farts smelled like bathroom detergent. At least that's a step up from bathroom shit.

The day only got better. Later, I was finishing up a sushi burrito and I farted a few times. At first when asked her to smell them, she told me she couldn't detect anything but then, as she was walking around, she inhaled DISGUSTING, PUTRID fumes. As evidenced by the photo above, this scent was vomit-inducing. Finally, I thought, my farts have revealed their original cataclysmic powers. The pills are ineffective! But, unfortunately, there was actually a sewage leak. So, that's what caused the plague. I was disappointed.

Judge 3: Time after time, my farts evaded her nose. She wondered if her brain was tricking her senses because it was prepared each time to smell something resembling a fart. Still, there was one day when I had farted many times sitting right next to her (lifting my butt cheeks in her direction) and I didn't tell her till the end of the day. She said she didn't notice anything funky.

Judge 4: We watched a movie. I farted gratuitously. He motioned the fart-contaminated air toward him and STILL WASN'T ABLE TO SMELL ANYTHING!! Could this possibly mean that the pills did their job to some extent?

Here's Judge 4, my roommate, sniffing my farts (he enjoyed it so much, I'm recruiting him to be my permanent fart-smeller):

Christina Lan / BuzzFeed

Did it work?

3/4 people said at least once that they couldn't smell anything. I couldn't either (but of course, my judgment is null) so I'm not actually sure if these pills "worked." If my criteria for success was whether or not the pills made my farts smell like violets, then they failed. But because there was no smell, I had no way of determining whether or not the pills were responsible or if it was a placebo effect. Maybe my mind was tricking my body into passing less stinky gas!

If there were a fancy occasion that I didn't want to ruin with malodorous gases, I would take these pills because there isn't any harm in taking them. But the need to take 6 pills after every meal definitely deters me from taking this regularly. Also, you shouldn't ingest activated charcoal for more than 10 days.

Aside from the pills, my biggest takeaway was that I learned to be OK with farting in front of others. I used to be so embarrassed about it and apologized whenever I farted whereas anybody I've dated (cisgendered males) never apologized for excessive farting. It's time that shy farters fart! Fart if you're female! Fart if you're on a date! Fart if you're stressed!

Love your farts and fart when your body tells you to.

Allison Burda and Cameron Gee / Via allisonandcam.tumblr.com