1. Dr. Leo Spacemen, “30 Rock”
You have to hand it to “Doctor”/meth counselor/child psychiatrist/animal blood enthusiast Leo Spaceman. Despite having little-to-no working knowledge of the human body or modern medical science, this graduate of the Ho Chi Minh City School of Medicine has retained an impressive stable of regular clients over 30 Rock’s six seasons. Our best guess? The TGS crew has horrendous medical coverage.
2. Dr. Zoidberg, “Futurama”
It’s not that this dumpster-dwelling space quack is a shoddy doctor per se, it’s just that he’s a bad human doctor. Need someone to saw open your mantis-like chest cavity and operate on your overstuffed mating sacs? Why not Zoidberg!
3. Dr. Tony Gates, “E.R.”
As comforting as we’d find being nursed back to health by John Stamos’s eyebrows, ol’ Uncle Jessie may take the cake as TV’s most unconvincing doctor.
“Why yes, I did get my degree in pathology, but I minored in Chiseled Good Looks. Ladies.”
4. Dr. Nick Riviera, “The Simpsons”
Springfield’s favorite discount doctor has been bungling from operating to operating table for the past couple of decades, botching operations and misdiagnosing diseases, but is still somehow greeted with a heartfelt, “Hi, Dr. Nick!” by everyone he meets. It’s amazing how far a sparkling smile and steady supply of free nosejobs can blot out years of negligence.
5. Everyone, “Grey’s Anatomy”
Seattle Grace: where every doctor is smoking, supermodel-tier hot, and they’re too busy having constant uninterrupted sex with one another to do any damn medical work. Seriously, Seattle’s most notorious medical facility is like a 24/7 Senior Prom, but with mandatory scrubs and an unsettling lack of “The Humpty Dance” blaring on the loudspeakers.
6. Dr. Gregory House, “House M.D.”
Sure, call him “eccentric” or “unconventional,” but when you strip away his quirks and crankiness, Dr. House is a flat-out dreadful doctor. Each of this drug-addled doc’s diagnoses are total shots in the dark, but he’s always too happy to swoop in and take the credit if something sticks. So, essentially, he’s your old high school chemistry lab partner, but with an M.D.
7. Dr. Fishman, “Arrested Development”
For all we know Dr. Fishman may be an artist on the operating table, but it’s his notoriously literal bedside manner that lands him on this list. The guy delivers bad news with clownish incompetence that always infuriates the faithful Bluth family, but admittedly, he’s one of the few medical professional on here whose patients actually make it out of the ER.
8. Dr. Elmer Hartman, “Family Guy”
It takes some serious doing to be the most incompetent guy in a backwards city like Quahog, but Dr. Elmer Hartman easily takes the cake over the other, similarly idiotic Rhode Islanders. He’s flat-out admitted that his only returning clients are the dysfunctional Griffins, but if his medical history is any indication, they’re probably his only living patients.
9. The Doctor, “Doctor Who”
Okay, okay, we know, but honestly, when was the last time you saw the Doctor — in any of his guises — in an operating room? Last time we checked, his ZocDoc rating was an unflattering one star. But to be perfectly fair, every review was just the word “EXTERMINATE!” spammed over and over…
10. Everyone, “Childrens Hospital”
You know, when they’re not obsessing over reverse circumcisions and tackling the hard-hitting issue of clown discrimination, we’re not sure the madcap medical crew at Childrens Hospital has ever actually saved a child’s life. But hey, fourth time’s the charm, right? Catch the new season of Childrens Hospital when it debuts on Thursday at midnight, only on Adult Swim.