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1. A chonky seal pillow – it won't judge you when you wake up at 1 p.m. and then climb back into bed with your leftover Domino's.
2. An admittedly questionable but inarguably hilarious toothpaste cap for anyone whose top four favorite movies include Shrek, Shrek 2, Shrek the Third, and Shrek Forever After.
3. A cutesy peel-and-stick dumpster fire patch if you're looking for a way to commemorate the mess that was 2020 + 2021.
4. A Dunkin' Donuts AirPod case je REFUSE to shut up about. Hi, I'm Chelsea and I'm from New England and yes, Dunks IS part of my personality!!!!!
5. An imitation pimple-popping toy that's been ingeniously designed so you can poke, prod, and pick without touching your own face. Reviewers say that fake-pus-filled silicone ~feels~ like oily skin.
6. A baby Groot flowerpot with the most expressive eyes I ever did see. Having a bad day? Shoot a glance his way and things are sure to turn around.
7. An uncanny valley–esque piggy bank that will either delight you or come for you in the middle of a sleep paralysis episode. It's really a toss-up — just don't say we didn't warn you.
8. A Nathan Fielder devotion candle to which you can pray for more episodes of Nathan for You. Please, Nathan — we just know you're the man to get us back on track.
9. An Executive Producer Dick Wolf keychain if Law and Order: SVU's iconic intro (you know — "DUN DUN") plays in your mind on an infinite loop.
10. A (wheeze) mug perfect for those who've been watching BuzzFeed Unsolved: Supernatural for, ohhhh, just the entire pandemic whilst working from home (couldn't be me). Now I bet you find yourself saying Shane- and Ryan-isms all day long.
11. A hard-boiled egg holder that's poised to turn your morning meal into a knight in shining armor. Even if this Humpty Dumpty takes a fall, his protective helmet will keep him safe and sound.
12. A set of The Nightmare Before Christmas–themed scrunchies if Zero is hands down your favorite Disney character and you'd like to show that fact off year-round — not only in October.
13. A set of snail-shaped silicone tea holders so you no longer have to use your finger to fish your tea bag string out of ~boiling hot water~. These guys have it from here.
14. A Richard Simmons Funko Pop that may or may not hold the soul of the semi-retired aerobics instructor. If nothing else, let it inspire you to check out his previously archived footage which now — thanks to COVID — has been uploaded to YouTube! We'll call that one 👆 tiny win for the global population at large.
15. A collection of "catstrology" buttons if your two favorite things happen to be feline friends and star signs.
16. A Jason Momoa coloring book which will give you ample time to admire the curvature of his every muscle and bounce of each beachy wave.
17. A pizza mouse pad that — warning you now — may just have your mouth watering at 9 a.m.
18. A Stevie Nicks air freshener because it is going to take some serious magic to get your car smelling good. I'll go ahead and start summoning the powers of the supreme on your behalf 🔮
19. A pair of toast and egg shakers that are almost too cute to be used as intended. Sure, you can fill them with salt and pepper, but what if — hear us out here — you were to just place them on a shelf or counter and stare at them every time you enter the room. 😍
20. A Bob the Builder–looking saw knife with the power to cut through any cake you put in front of it. No matter how many ganache-filled layers, you won't even break a sweat.
21. A magnetic key/glasses/whisk holder in the shape of every English villager's arch nemesis: the stealthy waterfowl from Untitled Goose Game.
22. A dish towel that clearly and succinctly lays out how to fold the cheese into your homemade enchiladas. You just fold it in, David!
23. A teensy cat massager ready to win you your cat's heart or claws. TikTok cats seem to like it, but we all know how fickle felines can be.
24. A puffer jacket for your artisanal double IPA that was fermented in a painfully trendy Portland craft brewery and is absolutely worth the $14 you paid for a single can.
25. A lil' dumpling light to illuminate your midnight runs to the kitchen. Don't worry, he promises not to tell on you when you finish off the rest of your roommate's pizza.
26. An epic shower curtain that shows the natural animal hierarchy at play. Let's hope my cats never come across a trident!
27. A potato with your friend's face on it! Yes, seriously. You can send them an anonymous spud with your choice of sweet or ~ominous~ note.
28. A retro iMac stand for your brand spankin' new Apple watch 'cause the '90s are back, baby, and you're suddenly nostalgic for your first desktop computer.
29. An under-desk foot hammock so you can kick your WFH setup into overdrive. Look, if you're not gonna have access to 24/7 free snacks, you need something to look forward to.
30. A shrimp-shaped travel pillow that will be ready and waiting in the wings for your next big trip.
31. A Baby Yoda speaker because baby. freaking. Yoda. 🥺 Yes, he's tiny, but reviewers say he's also surprisingly powerful.
32. A teensy-tiny vacuum (with a legit 5-foot cord) so you can suck up all the chip crumbs on your bed before you crawl in for the night. Dorito dust begone!
33. A peephole frame — à la Friends —that could only be made better if it came with Monica's entire apartment.
34. A pack of inflatable cup holders because hot tub weather is here and it'd be so embarrassing if you didn't have these on hand for guests. I kid, of course, but try telling me your friends wouldn't love 'em.
35. A Sriracha hot sauce keychain so you can keep your #1 condiment close at hand because you'll be damned if you have to pay 75 cents for an extra sauce when it's SO obvious that your meal *should* have come with two to start.
36. A sequined pillow cover that, when brushed with the back of a hand, will reveal Dwight Schrute with the face he stole from a first aid dummy. Nothing to see here!
37. A memory foam baguette wrist rest to keep your arms stress-free from the time you log on to Slack to the time you close your computer for the night (4:59:59 p.m.).
38. A pair of microfiber duster slippers that turn your midnight run to the fridge into a mini cleaning session. Whoops, did you spill a bit of milk while taking a bite of your cookie? No worries — just give it a lil' wipey wipe.
39. A caterpillar cord organizer that will save you from having to crawl under your desk to retrieve a rogue charger.
40. A tiny Jibbitz accessory to put on your Crocs to let everyone know (in the most meta way) just how much you love your freakin' Crocs.
41. A cheeky tee that lets your friends know *exactly* what you have in mind when you hang out tonight. Molten lava cake with vanilla ice cream on the house?? Yes, please.
42. And a fun feline fruit cap for anyone who (like me) has developed an obsession with Pot Roast — a toothless, 5-pound TikTok sensation with a penchant for hats.
You rn, I'm assuming:
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