Recently, a woman went viral after asking in the "Am I the Asshole" subreddit if she was wrong for wanting a wedding gift back. I have my own opinions on it, but first, here's what happened and how people are responding so far:
"About three weeks ago, my friend broke up with her fiancé a month before their wedding (would have been this weekend). She found him fooling around with another girl and called off the wedding."
"It's a huge mess, and I feel awful for her. It truly is a devastating time for her, and I've been as supportive as possible through it all. She has been one of my closest friends for the past 15-ish years and is basically a sister to me. Because of this, I wanted to give her a truly special wedding gift when I found out they were engaged at the beginning of the year."
"She has always been into interior designing and has wanted an Eames lounge chair for a long time. I found one for $4,500, which was a good deal, so I got it for her. I'm fortunate to be able to afford this, but it's still quite a lot. She was ugly crying when I told her about it, and she was extremely grateful for it. However, now that the wedding is called off, I'm not sure what to do."
"I could still use that money if I were to get it back… Is it rude to ask for her to return it or at least pay me back for the chair? I feel like I would be such an asshole for doing so, but some other friends (who aren't close to her) said she absolutely should at least return it so I can get my money back. She's going through a lot now, so I don't want to press her too much, and honestly, if I never see the money again, that's fine. But still, $4,500 is a good amount of change that I would be happy to have if possible, and if I am going to return it, I need to do it soon before the return window expires next month. WIBTA?"
So, usually, people respond to these things in one of four ways — YTA (you're the A-hole), NTA (not the A-hole), ESH (everyone sucks here), and NAH (no A-hole here). This time, the reactions were decidedly mixed.
Some said the friend should already know not to keep the gift.
"She should return it, but you would be an asshole to ask. It's a YTA/NTA catch-22."
"NTA. It is typical and expected that if the wedding is canceled, then the gifts are returned. No wedding — no wedding gifts. It would be wildly inappropriate for her to keep any gifts she received."
"It is absolutely standard etiquette that the gifts are returned if the wedding is canceled. However, you might want to choose your moment with care and tact. NAH, though."
But then, people also thought the OP (original poster) should just let her friend keep the gift after all that she went through with her fiancé.
"I think your feeling that YWBTA is exactly correct. From a purely transactional point of view, you are NTA for asking for it back. If we were all emotionless robots, I'd say go for it. However, from a friendship/emotional point of view, certainly, you will be the AH if you do ask. She's very close to you and going through a very difficult time in her life. This would be the last thing she needs and will probably drive a wedge in your relationship. She also really loved the gift! Let her keep the chair, and if she approaches you wanting to return it, then take some time to consider it. Consider the money gone — money comes and goes. Quality friendships, on the other hand, may be once in a lifetime."
—u/themossmann
"I'm going to say YWBTA only 'cause the wedding got broken off because her fiancé cheated, and this is really kicking her while she's down. I know people here are saying it's etiquette to return the gift if the wedding doesn't happen, but how many people are really giving gifts before the wedding takes place? Also, I was very unaware of this wedding 'etiquette.' If you give a gift before the wedding, you already gave the gift. And in my mind, a gift is a gift is a gift. Full stop. If someone could explain to me why that is the etiquette, I would appreciate it 'cause I feel like I'm missing something."
—u/strawwrld_1
"I don't think you should ever give a gift you would expect to get back under certain circumstances. I can see in the case of a family heirloom engagement ring where the other person is the one to break the engagement that you could expect them to give it back, but that's the only circumstance I can really see an expectation of giving the gift back being reasonable. Yeah, it is wedding etiquette to give gifts back if the wedding is called off, but the gift giver shouldn't really expect that or ask for it."