This post has not been vetted or endorsed by BuzzFeed's editorial staff. BuzzFeed Community is a place where anyone can create a post or quiz. Try making your own!
I feel trapped in this life – on a road I don't want to take. Stuck, forever-bound to out-race the treadmill tracks, staring at an image within a frame, chasing something that cannot be caught. It doesn't fit. It doesn't feel right. What a helpless feeling it is, to know with such certainty that I don't fit into the life I have been cultivated for. Ideals and values and goals that were spoon-fed to me from infancy – forced into my mind and bound by iron shackles. Drilled again and again with reinforced repetition. Practice makes perfect. Regurgitating these rehearsed beliefs feels so – artificial – compulsory lies disguised as truth, paramount in deceiving myself above all others. Is this all there is?Why do my insides feel so immensely, heavily, hollow? Why does my ordained future look so dreadfully barren? Why this panicked sense of urgency to escape?I am possessed by the idea that not all are fit for this life. Some of us were simply created differently, our essences are made from perishable, decaying materials – toxic. People like me simply cannot relate to those that do not flirt recklessly with fire. That breed of secure, stable-minded thinking baffles and bewilders those of us who share a kindred spirit with madness. We are the kind that embody pain in every fiber of our beings – jagged shards of anguish so enmeshed within our selves that our veins course with it all, threatening to splinter apart and asphyxiate us from the inside out. Such restless torment – agony exhaled with every aching breath, a tedious means of sustenance. Crazed by a natural predisposition for death.The beautifully demented, certifiably insane, perpetually angst-ridden, dear ones in my life are the only people that bring me any solace in this shallow, onerous world. Less than a handful of exquisitely insane miscreants whose lunacy just may parallel my own – misfits and outcasts, the taboos within this flimsy, tepid society. When I am in the company of these bizarre, beloved hearts, so analogous to my own, I feel, if only for a fleeting moment, slightly less alone. My misshapen perspective isn't seen as muddled or nonsensical or nauseatingly revolting, My disheveled heart finds comfort, my convoluted web of ruminating, self-defeating chaos finds a temporary reprieve from the storm – calm – at last quiet, for just a little while. My thoughts and feelings are validated – they are received with unobtrusive compassion and understanding. At long last – beautiful souls that not only accept my ludicrous, seemingly preposterous thinking, but who resonate with the same outlandish peculiarity penetrates the fog with a beacon of light from the clutches of the shadows.Why were we created for such a world, and recklessly thrust into a violent game we stood no chance of winning?When I die in this life, maybe I will be reborn into another, one in which I can live, for the very first time.
Share This Article
