Why LinkedIn Is The Dad Wearing White New Balances Of The Internet World

Yeah, I'm indignant, and I have a medium to express it! ------ LinkedIn: Hi "I'm indignant, and I have a medium to express it!"

1. The Interface

Hunbbel Meer / Via bookyourselfsolid.com

Just like your dad, who "just put it down there a second ago," LinkedIn can't seem to keep itself organized. I sent two of my friends to find a connection with someone at Spotify two months ago and I still haven't heard back from them. Rude!

2. Networking?

Social Media Examiner / Via socialmediaexaminer.com

1st? 2nd? 3rd? Net-twerking? I can't tell if my dad's trying to tell me how to put the moves on someone, or whether LinkedIn is telling me how to make valuable business decisions. You tell me.

3. "Instant" Messaging

LinkedIn Official Blog / Via blog.linkedin.com

More like, "most likely ignored for three days" messaging. We know you go on LinkedIn. That message was sent. Straight. To. Your. Profile. Maybe LinkedIn Professionals/Dads invented modern day breadcrumbing.

4. Announcements

Bright Yellow Marketing / Via brightyellowmarketing.com

Absolutely 100% your dad reincarnated through LinkedIn, reminding you that "you could be more like X, X just got a nice new job." No, dad/LinkedIn, I don't care about everyone's "accomplishments." Gosh, you'll never understand.

5. "Articles"

Every damn article is formatted like clickbait your dad sends you and believes seriously. "I used to think.... It's been so wonderful... One time I asked my friend 'why do I cry myself to sleep every night?'...It isn't always what you think!" Click "see more..." to read an article that ultimately ends up stroking the author's ego, leaves you baffled, and contains a completely unrelated image!

6. Headlines

LinkedIn Makeover / Via linkedin-makeover.com

As you become more and more desperate of a job seeker, your headline tends to reflect it. It also tends to reflect those cringey shirts that old people wear (with their white New Balances). Mine currently says, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you should see my grandchildren! Also I need a job, Haha. No, it's serious."

7. Finding a job

I don't know, job suggestions out here are getting crazier by the day. What will kids want to do with their lives next, not live in mediocrity? They want to live in cities and BE ABLE TO AFFORD IT? I worked since I was a fetus, and I was able to afford it. You should too. Anyone want a hamburger? I'm firin' up the grill!