How To Successfully Get A Hot Tinder Date

I have ~considerable~ experience getting many tinder dates. What HAPPENS on these dates is another story entirely.

1. Don't own a phone.

jvazquez232 / Via Twitter: @jvazquez232

No person swiping through Tinder wants to have to acknowledge that you might have once passed a mirror and thought, "Gee, I look nice today!" You are not allowed to take photos of yourself. Hell, just throw your phone out the window already.

2. If you are a boob owner-- deny the existence of your boobs.

fishbras / Via Twitter: @jvazquez232

If you happen to own boobs, allowing them to be present in your Tinder profile is a cardinal sin. NO. BOOBS. EVER. Just use that lasso tool and ctrl + X the shit right away. Cover it with a fish. Idk man!!! Being perceived as remotely sexual is just the wrong type of message for an app where "u horny?" is too subtle.

3. Swipe right indiscriminately

Armani / Via giphy.com

There is not a single person on Tinder that will leave you UN-disappointed. Might as well just go through the eligible singles in your area as fast as possible to mitigate the pain-- like a band-aid for your hopes and dreams.

4. Through the power of your will alone, will your matches to hit you with a solid "hey"

GIPHY / Via refinery29.com

For context, opening lines usually fall into four categories 1): Hello, I have nothing of note to say and will disappoint you over a mediocre dinner (now in gif form!), 2): I looked at one of your photos, and will make passable commentary about it to avoid discussing what I think of your meatsuit, 3): I have no concept of how human interaction works, and assume thrusting my genitals at you virtually is the best way to do it, 4): I may have a concept of how to initiate conversation and seem intelligent (but only because you've been on here so long and your standards have already become so low)

5. Don't discuss anything that you actually like, any facet of who you are, or anything that could anger your match

Author's Personal Memory / Via The Annals of Time

I had no idea I was cute/funny/athletic/tall/a college graduate/a hiker/smart/weird. I also have ample free-time to explain the plot of my favorite book, the nuances of my favorite song, or describe how to make my favorite meal. Your wish is my command.

6. Try to negotiate a date

Wikiphoto / Via wikihow.com

As part of building the romance, spend a considerable amount of time shuffling around your schedule for your potential new bae. Nothing shows commitment like already bending your will to theirs!

7. Stave off the severe misgivings about agreeing to meet a total stranger with passable social skills in public.

Shutterstock / Via threesixtyfivefiction.wordpress.com

The terrible gut feeling you have about cancelling plans with yourself for the third night in a row is probably right. BUT, think of all the opportunities to be let down you have! Think of all the creeping on their Instagram you have to talk about! Even grandma is givin' you a thumbs up because she suspects this partner might result in grandchildren!

8. Dress up in your best date-night attire

FunnyJunk / Via funnyjunk.com

Rest assured, your date will not only try very minimally, but also show up late! Or cancel! If, however, your makeup or tie is not on correctly-- the god of Tinder himself will show up outside your date location and ask, "Who do you know here?" in the same frat-boy way that makes you sheepishly feel bad for even trying.

9. Throw overt glances at the exit.

Nothing says, "Hey I like you, let's get out of here!" like staring despondently at the exit while your date continues to ramble about the time they hooked up with someone "but it wasn't like that". Other subtle signals include, "My mom just called asking for hemorrhoid cream" and "I sure do love how generous you are to the poor-- thanks again for the free meal!"

10. Go home, feeling like something is clearly wrong with you, and do the whole thing over again!

There's no way EVERYONE can negate my self-worth via app! Just kidding, of course they can!