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21 Rob Delaney Tweets That Will Make You Laugh Every Time

"Donuts are gay bagels." Don't miss Rob Delaney's hilarious second season of Catastrophe, now streaming on Amazon Prime.

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Millennials who make fun of my wife and I for sharing jeans can go straight to hell.

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"You were in there for *quite* a while." - chick flirting with me hard as I exit Starbucks bathroom

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I deserve to feel sexy at the #farmers #market.

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If I were a woman, when I encountered sexism I’d be like “BRB, I’m gonna go *MAKE A HUMAN* IN MY BODY LIKE A MAGICAL GOD, YOU SAD OAF.”

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Wifi at my uncle's funeral is a fucking joke.

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Cheap date idea: cut open a pack of hotdogs & squeeze the juice over your lover's body then summon a peregrine falcon with your mind.

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I cannot psychologically afford for my wife not to be elected president of our condo association.

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I can pee into a Panera bread bowl an average of 4x before it falls apart.

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These goggles allow my son Thanson to eat gluten in small amounts ,

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I had to sign a form at my son's school yesterday acknowledging that I understood he'd hit himself in the head with a pan.

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Lamestream feminist media making fun of differently sized penises and dicks is why men need guns .i own a small business

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🚨PLEASE RT🚨 My beautiful sweet dog Terry is missing. Also my wife is sleeping with my sons' karaté teacher.

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Plaese watch my Ted talk about how vaccines made my son T'Keaven into a Druid

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Using my son's raincoat as a hat so my hair doesn't get messed up. He's doing the cutest little shivers!

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If you specify you went to "Whole Foods" instead of "the grocery store," get the fuck away from me & my family.

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In June of last year, a beautiful woman on the subway saw me yawn & then she yawned. So I think we can cool it with the "virgin" talk.

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If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

21.

Here's the #ModestyPouch I wore in opening of #Catastrophe last night. Watch all eps here: http://t.co/CxJzQnqZ48

Every. Tasty. Video. EVER. The new Tasty app is here!

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