1.
therapist: describe this picture me: that’s my father yelling at me therapist: and this one me: you having sex with my wife therapist: and this one me: aren’t these normally ink blots
2.
Date: What do you do? Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
3.
socrates: to do is to be plato: to be is to do scooby: do be do
4.
Guys I’m in Spain. The s is silent . 💞💓💗💖💕💘💖💗💓💕
5.
imagine this: it's 4 am, you call an uber, your Uber's name is "Stuart", you're waiting, it's says your Uber is here but you see nothing, you feel a nudge on your leg, you look down, there's a little red convertible, it's your uber, your uber driver is Stuart Little
6.
[being buried alive] murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
7.
Two guys walk into a bar. The bartender walks over. Another guy walks out of the bar. People are just walking around.
8.
pee after sex or you will get an HGTV
9.
The worst 4 loko flavor is when you are loko 4 someone but that person isn’t loko 4 you :/
10.
Your pornstar name is: Your first name + your last name Bc it’s you. You’re a hoe.
11.
use y= mx+b to calculate the slope of the line you just crossed
12.
Hallelujah is such a beautiful song. I still remember the first time I heard it, in the soundtrack to Shrek
13.
me: *sliding $10 to bartender* I'll have the usual [bartender gives me a hug]
14.
HIM: I have a chocolate lab. ME (awestruck whisper): ᵂᶦˡˡʸ ᵂᵒⁿᵏᵃ
15.
date: i love your shoes! me: ugh, these old things? they were free date: take the compliment! me: no like a kid stole them, threw them over a guard rail & they hit me on the head date: what?? me: ya turns out they used to belong to some basketball star date: this is ‘holes’
16.
quick grammar lesson! you’re: you are my: fire the one: desire believe when: i say i want it: that way
17.
Regular back: -will hurt eventually -boring -stupid bones Backstreet's back: -alright
18.
me: hello 911 operator: hello what’s ur emergency me: these men won’t stop laughing operator: ok yea that’s annoying but not a crime me: wtf is manslaughter then