1. This kid, who believes honesty is the best policy:
My son got his report card today and academically he did well but his teacher wrote a note specifying “ he needs to use kind words with friends “ . I asked him about it and he said “ My friends are dumb and they need to know “
2. This kid, who seriously loves nachos:
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
3. This kid, who's probably onto something:
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
4. This child, who thought her name was more important than this author's name:
Small child in signing queue: Why are you writing YOUR name in MY book? Me: That's the book I wrote. I was going to sign it for you Child: It's MINE Me: OK. Shall I write your name? Child. Yes. Then *I* will sign it
5. This kid, who knows their mom better than anyone else:
Teacher to my son after he gets in trouble: “I’m going to have to call your mom.” Son: “Don’t call her.” Teacher: “Sorry but I have to.” Son: “No I’m serious. Don’t call her. She doesn’t answer her phone. You have to text her.”
6. This kid, who is rightly scared for the future:
One of my 6 year olds started crying today and when I asked why she said, “I don’t wanna grow up because I can’t bake, I can only make cereal, and furniture is expensive” Literally me
7. This kid, who is definitely right:
My four year old is watching Toy Story for the first time ever and he just whispered to himself, “Alive toys... I knew it.”
8. This kid, who takes learning very seriously:
Me: What did you do at school today? 5-year-old: Learned about dragons. Me: Your class learned about dragons? 5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.
9. This kid, who understands how adults work:
Walked into my kids' room and my 5yo son grabs my 9yo daughter and whispers, "Don't move. Their vision is based on movement."
10. These kids, who like all types of meat:
My son just traded a chicken tender to my daughter in exchange for a bite of burger and now they're quietly chanting “Meat for meat.”
11. This kid, who isn't afraid to knock their dad down a peg:
Putting 4yo daughter to bed, telling her I’m going to St. Louis... A: “Who are the Cardinals playing?” Me: “The Cleveland Indians...” A: “That’s the team you play for?” Me: “No, no, no. I don’t play. I watch the game and write a story about it.” A: [laughs HARD] “Why??”
12. This kid, who's an excellent fart-er:
*Watching tv* 4yr old: Sorry I farted Me: Do you need to go potty? 4yr old: No, sometimes I fart because I’m watching a great show or movie, or I’m having a great day.
13. This kid, who's technologically savvy:
My 7 year old told me his butt is “glorious” and “made in New York.” Also, he learned how to change Netflix profile names. https://t.co/vF4lJId6N7
14. This kid, who knows a few intimidation tactics:
My 7yo daughter: someone at camp said girls aren’t tough. Me: what did you say to that? My 7yo, who has had a loose tooth for over a week: I pulled out my tooth in front of him and he stopped talking to me. #parenting
15. This kid, who knows what she wants:
Me: who keeps texting you? 11 yo niece: it’s her boyfriend 9 yo niece: he’s not my boyfriend I just keep him around bc he has a pet turtle
16. And finally, this kid, who will go to the depths of the sea for some sugar packets:
The most “Shawshank Redemption” story you’ll hear today: My younger son tries to sneak sugar packets out of restaurants and eat them in the car. We’ve taken to checking his pockets, so he stuffed five of them in a hollowed-out breadstick. https://t.co/F81jQuvW7g