The Real Greek Life
One of the biggest attractions for undergraduates looking at universities is the Greek Life. For unknown reasons, students flock from all corners of the map to get black out drunk with a Greek letter on their vomit-covered shirt; however, what many of them misunderstand is the original purpose of Greek organizations. Originally started for educational means, these try-hard students met in secret after class to further discuss topics and prepare for upcoming exams, eventually putting some Greek letters together and calling themselves an organization. Today’s Greek life culture revolves around alcohol abuse and hazing, which really puts a rather negative tag on the word “Greek”. It is because of this that drastic measures need to be taken to revive the original meaning behind the true understanding of what it means to be “Greek”. A new theory has been developed which is believed to be the best solution to the issue of Greek life’s association with partying rather than the unparalleled culture which it has worked to maintain over the decades.
In order to remove this poor connotation associated with the term “Greek”, it is necessary for students to understand what it actually means to be Greek. After extensive research, it has been made clear that the greatest solution to this is also the simplest. To truly restore the true meaning behind being Greek, we must take all Greek life students and ship them off to the origins of this ancient civilization. By doing so, we will be removing them from a corrupted culture, and instead they will flourish in the ever-growing development of Greece. There are several setbacks to such an endeavor, but we believe we can overcome these with a few quick fixes. First, there is the problem of students who just refuse to go. We realize that it is quite an inconvenience for the students to just pack up and leave, being ripped away from their homes and lives, as well as the traumatizing change which the families of these students will endure, but this is just a part of the college experience. We also fully comprehend the financial blow which companies like Vineyard Vines and Birkenstocks will take. In order to make up for such a loss of revenue, these companies will be encouraged to open franchises all around Greece. In doing so, “Greek” students will have no choice but to follow in suit as their lone sources of clothing will be inaccessible anywhere else, and these companies will continue to reach their desired income. Another issue is how to transport so many people to Europe. If you look at this mathematically, there really is no need to worry about such a matter. Assume that there are at least two boats per “Greek” student household (make and model not considered) and a capacity of 10 people per boat. The average person weighs roughly 180 pounds. The product of 10 and 180 is 1,800, the approximate weight capacity per boat. If each Vera Bradley duffle bag weighs about 3 pounds without anything in it, and one packs an additional 35 pounds of various clothing and shoes, there is about 40 pounds per bag. If we assume three pieces of luggage per student, that’s approximately 300 pounds as the general weight, give or take a few. This means that depending on its capacity, one boat can hold six students with all of their luggage. Since there is such an abundancy of vessels, there will be no issue transporting the number of students who will be sent overseas, and this is without considering the number of potential students with yachts.
Another concern we anticipate is meeting the expectations of students who joined Greek life with the prospect of attending formals, volunteering for philanthropic organizations, and expanding their social experience. After careful considerations, we believe we have resolved such matters as well. Students who wish to attend formals are encouraged to engage in folk-dancing. In Greece, this practice is common among many social events, such as communal festivals or weddings. Instead of having to worry about silly things, such as wearing the same dress as another sorority sister, all women will be required to wear the same attire which will broadcast the iconic colors of Greece. Men will dress in baggy pants which will bind at the knee and an open vest over a white blouse. Attire will vary depending on the region which the students finds themselves located. Twerking and grinding will be a thing of the past once students invest their time in the cultural beauty of folk-dancing. As for community outreach programs, Greece has continuously battled with poverty and unemployment. An Irish writer by the name of Johnathan Swift made quite a modest proposal which we have taken highly into consideration while anticipating this issue. He argued that in order to decrease the percentage of poverty in Ireland, the children of families below the poverty line must be eaten. This solution can be carried over into Greece. Students can help build butchering centers where children will be prepared, restaurants where child-based meals will be served, and houses for the families who will soon be able to afford housing after selling their children to these factories. This way, students will be working to benefit society while decreasing the number of people below the poverty line, making it a win-win situation. Lastly, many students who join Greek life with the intention of making friends stress about the hit their social lives will take if they are forced to Europe. This is not an issue at all considering the brotherhood and sisterhood they will find themselves forced into. Students will be forced to spend an abundant amount of time with other Greek life students which means “brothers” and “sisters” will be an understatement when describing their relationship. Students will attend classes together which focus on important aspects of Greek culture, such as Greek folk-dance, architecture, cooking, and the language itself, which means an everlasting amount of time for them to bond over the beauty of Greek culture. What a better way to bond than be shipped off to a foreign country with a large group of scared and vulnerable college students?
Many critics argue that our solution is not the best solution to this issue. They argue that it would be much simpler to shift the focus of Greek life back towards education rather than a socially active organization by having fraternities and sororities fund tutoring sessions, promote good grades, and encourage students to meet a higher GPA requirement each semester, as well as rewarding students who meet those requirements. After careful consideration, we have found that these heuristics take much more effort and time than we are willing to give when, instead, we can stick them on a yacht headed to Greece with a gyro in hand and a smile on their face. Our solution guarantees results and helps students grow in different skills which will benefit them and the Greek society while helping the students to truly become the Greek students they desire rather than the uncultured swine they were originally preparing to be.
Share This Article
