1.
Hey, remember voicemails?
Sure you do. They're literally the worst things in the entire world.
2.
Like, for real, what is wrong with people who leave them? Got me looking at you like:
3.
What's so important that you can't text, but not important enough for you to ring back?
4.
Why would you even WANT to leave a voicemail message?
I've never left one that didn't start with "Um... Uh... I, um..." and end with "OH MY GOD, THIS IS HELL".
5.
Doesn't it wear you out, being this i n c r e d i b l y annoying?
6.
Do you not care that this makes everyone's nerves totally shredded?
7.
Can you even remember a SINGLE voicemail from the movies that went well?
8.
Don't you realise that the Venn diagram of "people who leave voicemails" and "people who are bad humans" is basically just a circle?
9.
Even parents, don't you know that your phone keeps leaving me pocket voicemails?
10.
Is it just a thing they did in your family? A family that really hated text messages?
11.
Mum, don't you know how much I hate it when you leave me a three-minute voicemail talking about nothing but groceries?
12.
Don't you know you make me wanna be all...
13.
...and, like, really turn violent against my machines?
14.
There are a million and one different ways to contact me that are not so filled with dread; why not choose one?
Or, you know, I can just turn off my voicemail service.
15.
Let's be tough on voicemails and tough on the causes of voicemails, yeah?
