"Theybies": Raising Children Without Gender

Should children be raised gender-neutral?

A new trend has emerged today among parents as gender identity and fluidity gain more visibility in today’s society. Parents are beginning to raise their children as “theybies,” or gender-free children. This effort came about as a way to encourage children to explore various behaviors and activities without having to conform to conventional constructs that label them as boy or girl.

The rise of “theybies” has gained a lot of attention and momentum as seen in the case of Nate and Julia Sharpe, two parents from Cambridge, Massachusetts, who have chosen to raise their 3-year-old twins as “theybies.” In an interview with NBC News, Julia explained, “we read about how from when they’re 20-week fetuses, they’re already starting to be gendered… We wanted to prevent that, so that’s how it started.”

“A ‘theyby’ is different things to different people,” Nate elaborated. “For us, it means raising our kids with gender-neutral pronouns — so, ‘they,’ ‘them,’ ‘their,’ rather than assigning ‘he,’ ‘she,’ ‘him,’ ‘her’ from birth based on their anatomy.” The Sharpes’ goal is to foster an environment of openness and acceptance regardless of their children’s genders and sexual orientations, while encouraging others to do the same.

The idea of raising genderless children has also been explored in the December 1972 issue of Ms. Magazine in Lois Gould’s piece, “X: A Fabulous Child’s Story.” The story illustrates the hardships and victories of raising a child gender-neutral within a culture that classifies people based on their gender and sex.

Angeline Dharmaindra, a clinical psychologist at the Gender Identity Development Service in London, told Forbes that people must “support diversity in relation to gender identity and gender expression. Keep possibilities open for young people, despite the tendency to want to think about gender in concrete and categorical terms.”

Yet, this “gender-open” style of parenting has become increasingly controversial and developmental experts feel that “theybies” will inevitably encounter negative comments and bullying once exposed to the outside world. Dr. Quentin Van Meter, of the American College of Pediatricians, told CBN News that “parents who do this are purposely putting their children in a situation where they're going to come to a harm, that's why it's abusive.”

However, these gender neutral practices also have the potential to stop people from pigeonholing one another into gender roles especially given that the sex of a person has no biological bearing on one’s worth. Magazine publisher and liberal commentator Cathy Areu defended “theybies” on an episode of Tucker Carlson's Fox News program. She noted that it is important to allow “the baby to decide what gender that baby wants to be when that baby can decide, which is around four years old. So from zero to four, the baby will not be labeled."

Deakin University health ethics lecturer Tamara Browne similarly suggested that instead of erasing gender completely, individuals should redefine femininity and masculinity. In an interview with The Daily Telegraph, Browne said that using gender-neutral pronouns might help protect children from oppressive gender stereotypes yet it is also significant for parents to de-emphasize gender and offer more options than just boy or girl.

For example, in Native American society, there are two-spirit individuals who embody traditional third-gender ceremonial roles in their cultures and house both masculine and feminine spirits inside of them. Thus, it is possible to exist in a world in which gender is fluid and not confined to a binary.

Other gender-creative parents worry that their child will be boxed into gender stereotypes based on their looks. In an interview with New York Magazine, Kyl Myers, parent to 2-year-old Zoomer, said, “I’m very tired of the heteronormative and cisnormative model... A part of why we are parenting this way is because intersex people exist, and transgender people exist, and queer people exist, and sex and gender occur on a spectrum, yet our culture loves to think people, all 7 billion of them, can and should be reduced to either/or.”

Back in 2011, Kathy Witterick and David Stocker decided to keep the sex of their baby, Storm, private. It garnered many negative reactions but, as stated in the email they sent to friends and family, their decision ultimately was “a tribute to freedom and choice in place of limitation, a stand up to what the world could become in Storm’s lifetime.” Furthermore, despite the criticism directed towards gender-neutral practices and “theybies,” several supportive outlets have also popped up such as a nationwide Facebook community of about 220 members.

Ultimately, one’s gender should not define one’s worth. Individuals should be free to explore careers, hobbies, and behaviors without the constraints of gender roles and stereotypes. “Theybies” may be a strange and novel term but its message is clear: do not try and squeeze people into boxes they have no intention of fitting into. Because they will break free.