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Psychologist Dr. John Gottman predicts the Four Horsemen that bring on the end of a relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Which of these is your problem pattern and what is the antidote that will save your relationship?

The Four Horseman Of A Relationship: Which One Will Doom Your Love Life?

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, an 1887 painting by Viktor Vasnetsov. From left to right are Death, Famine, War, and Conquest; the Lamb is at the top.

Your partner gets home from work, but ignores you when they walk in the door. How do you respond?

Your partner says they are leaving in 10 minutes whether you are ready or not and then leaves without you. How do you respond?

Your partner forgets your birthday. How do you respond?

Your partner isn't taking you on their upcoming work trip. How do you respond?

You talk to your partner about your desire to go on the trip and they book you a flight. What approach did you use as an antidote to your earlier behavior?

Your issue is verbally attacking personality or character.  
  
  
The antidote to this behavior is a gentle start up. Use "I" statements when you talk about your feelings and express needing one another.

two person doing mix martial arts on white and blue stadium

Criticism

Your issue is attacking the other's sense of sense with an intent to insult; often abusive.  
  
  
The antidote to this behavior is to build a culture of appreciation between yourselves. Remind yourself of each other's positive qualities and be gracious for the other's actions.

Contempt

Your issue is victimizing yourself. In this way you protect yourself from a real or perceived attack and reverse the blame.  
  
  
  
The antidote to this behavior is to take responsibility. Accept your partner's perspective and apologize.

person in brown long sleeve shirt covering face with hand

Defensiveness

Withdrawing to avoid conflict. This can convey disapproval and create distance, causing separation.  
  
  
The antidote to this behavior is physiological self-soothing. Practice self-soothing and distracting skills. Consider taking a break.

Stonewalling

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The Four Horseman Of A Relationship: Which One Will Doom Your Love Life?

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

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