The Do's And Don'ts Of Dating A Latina

If you ever have the honor of dating a Latina, you better do EVERYTHING in your higher power to keep your lady happy. If not, one bad move could mean getting jumped by her primos or cut up and made into tamales.

DO: Make it official by making a statement.

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Latinas love that shit. They love making their homegirls celosas. If you can make a big enough scene to get on Univision Channel 34 or Telemundo Channel 52, she might just say yes. Go big, or don't bother wasting her time; there's plenty of vatos in the sea.

DON'T: Ask her out on Instagram.

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Sliding in her DMs with whack ass lines like "Sup, mami. Let me take you out," isn't how Latinas want to get asked out. Latinas are fierce females with paranormal voodoo powers that can fuck up your entire existence. She wants to be your future wife, not your side chick. Choose your words wisely, if not, you best believe her padre, her brothers, her cousins, and her tías will find out and kill you. Approach a Latina with respect and poise.

DO: Buy her roses from the flower lady/guy who sells them at the corner freeway exit.

Kat Juarez

When your lady gets off of work super tired and finds herself stuck at a red light, she's secretly wishing her man surprises her with a beautiful arrangement of street flowers. She'll be muy excited!

DON'T: Surprise her with a carnation and baby's breath bouquet.

Kat Juarez

Carnations are one of the cheapest flowers you could ever give your Latina girlfriend. She'll know you got them from the local Mexican grocery store and won't hesitate to give you "cara de WTF." Plus, she'll probably think you're cheating on her because you got her the "official" side chick flower and got your main lady a bouquet of roses. She'll take it upon herself to investigate.

DO: Learn how to dance so that you can break off your Latina shorty on the dance floor at the next family party.

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Latinas have "Escandalo" by La Sonora Dinamita implanted in their brain since birth. As soon as her DJ cousin plays the track, be ready to wow her and her entire family with the moves you learned on YouTube. She'll think it's really attractive that you were down to dance, you didn't mind that the entire family recorded it, and quickly posted the video on El Feis, with the title "Este pendejo bailando con mija." That's Spanish for "Welcome to the family."

DON'T: Be antisocial around her family and friends.

Kat Juarez

There's nothing more annoying to a Latina, than seeing her boyfriend quiet and not socializing with her family or friends. Chisme travels quickly and your girlfriend will be SUPER encabronada to know that your tapado ways are making the family talk shit about you.

DO: Eat...A LOT.

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Latinos LOVE to eat! And for some reason, your future mother-in-law, her sisters and the abuela find it really attractive that their mija's novio eats without limits. Maybe because they know if you keep eating that way, you'll get really fat and never leave their daughter. Remember to finish your plate, compliment the food, have some postre, eat again, and you'll be your girlfriend's "Goldo," forever.

DON'T: Say you're on a diet.

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Are you trying to look good for someone? If you met her looking a certain way, stay looking that way...forever.

This is just the dating phase, guys. Imagine how much harder it is when you're married to a Latina.

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