1.Expectation: “I really do love spending an entire day relaxing in the sun.”
Reality: Do you also really love spending an entire night awake and uncomfortable because you managed to get sunstroke? Here’s hoping that you kinda do.
2.Expectation: “I’ll just read my book in the sun.”
Reality: Negative. You can never get a good angle on your sun lounger, and if it’s super warm, the sun melts the glue of your book.
3.Expectation: “I’m wearing some make-up just in case that lad nextdoor comes by."
Reality: Your face paint melts after just an hour, leaving you looking like some modern art project. If that lad did come over, he’d think you looked a little bit weird.
4.Expectation: “If I use oil when I sunbathe, I'll end up with beautiful olive skin.”
Reality: Nuh-uh. Nope. You end up a shade of deep purple, looking a bit like a cooked aubergine. Eating aubergines = good. Looking like an aubergine = bad.
5.Expectation: “My hair will stay like this, right?”
Reality: Hahaha oh, bless you, sweet child – of course it will not.
6.Expectation: “I’ll only need to be out here for a while before I look like a gorgeous sun goddess from an advert.”
Reality: Twenty minutes in, and you’re not only bored, your skin is dry as hell. Seriously. You leave a trail of flaked skin behind you like you’re a snake. Unless that was the advert you were going for, in which case, you nailed it, sister.
7.Expectation: “It's a bit cloudy out there. It’ll be fine.”
Reality: You are hella burnt.
8.Expectation: “I’ll just pop my shades on and have a little nap in the sun.”
Reality: You now have a bright red face and white goggle patches around your eyes. You look ridiculous and are in a *lot* of pain.
9.Expectation: “I’ll nip to the shops after a quick hour of sunbathing. It’d be a shame to waste this weather.”
Reality: Your boobs are basically now just two receptacles for carrying sweat, and that is way gross.
10.Expectation: “Oh what’s this? A message from that guy I've been Facebook stalking all week? I’ll just answer this real quick...”
Reality: YOU CAN’T SEE ANYTHING BECAUSE OF THE GLARE. OH MY GOD, THE SUN IS THE WORST.
11.Expectation: "If I split my time exactly fifty-fifty, I'll get the perfect back and front tan!"