Jared Kushner Is The Son Donald Trump Never Had

Fortunately for Americans, our leaders are not chosen for their genetics. But unfortunately, for us AND Eric and Donald Jr., that does nothing to prevent Donald Trump's "heir-apparent" from following in his clumsy footsteps.

"Umm, remember us?"

Getty/Grant Lamos IV / Via goo.gl

Sorry, Trump bros. We try not to think about you much...

HUNTINGLEGENDS.COM LEGENDS / Via nydailynews.com

... for obvious reasons.

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Anyway—

In his 70 long years, Donald Trump has contributed to the creation of (at least) five (alleged) human beings.

The reality star president has three sons and two daughters from three different mothers. Each child's relationship with their father has developed a unique reputation in the public eye.

Here's a quick breakdown of Trump's genetic heirs:

Via cdn.thegentlemansjournal.com

Donald Trump Jr. had a sometimes rocky relationship with his father after his parents messy divorce and exponentially increasing public profile. For some time Don Jr. was the rebellious, boozy, eldest son and disappointment, until he went to work for his father's businesses.

Now, he's usually seen as the lesser-Donald.

Meanwhile, Eric Trump is often portrayed as the archetypal class clown to Don Jr.'s party boy.

Both are essentially mini-Donald Trumps—painfully regular white guys with way too much money and attention.

Via blogindex.hu

Often referred to as the "forgotten" Trump, Tiffany Trump appears to be the black sheep of the family. The only child from Trump's second wife, Tiffany was raised by her mother in California, far away from her father and step-siblings.

But since graduating in 2016 she's just been following her father around the country. (What a bum.)

Via fox29.com

Youngest child Barron Trump is only like, five years old or something, and has zero accomplishments whatsoever, so Donald doesn't seem all that interested in him yet.

(He's someone to watch in the future.)

Reuters / Via s1.ibtimes.com

Finally, Ivanka Trump is undoubtedly the favorite child—to both her father and the public. Jokes about their purportedly inappropriate relationship have hung over the pair since Ivanka was a just little girl, but the only thing known for sure is that she is "daddy's little girl."

... and her father has uncomfortably awkward ways of appreciating the female form.

But obviously, Ivanka's greatest achievement of all was marrying Jared Kushner, giving Donald the son he always wanted...

I mean, surely the Trump kids are good (enough) people, but—

None of Trump's biological children hold as much influence on the newly crowned President* as his son-in-law, Jared Kushner.

Jabin Botsford/The Washington Post / Via img.washingtonpost.com

And here are some reasons why.

1. He's better looking.

We're only stating the obvious... The man did marry Ivanka Trump after all.

His lack of Trump genetics gives him a less skeevy persona than his brother-in-laws, Donald Jr. and Eric, and thus more general respect, according to expert opinion.

Via gph.is

2. He's more educated.

Kushner received a Bachelor's degree in Government from Harvard University, as well as a Law degree AND Master's of Business Administration from NYU.

Trump's own lazy children just can't compare.

Donald Jr. has only a BS in Economics from University of Pennsylvania. Eric earned a simple Bachelor's degree in finance and economics from Georgetown. Ivanka copied her father, earning a Bachelor's degree in Economics from the University of Pennsylvania. Like her siblings, Tiffany discontinued her education after earning a Bachelor's degree in Sociology and Urban Studies from the University of Pennsylvania. And Barron hasn't even tried to go to college.

Pathetic, right? I mean, who only gets one degree these days?

The Trumps, that's who.

3. He has the one thing Donald can never have.

Ivanka Trump Instagram / Via celebritybabies.people.com

Eww, guys! No, not Ivanka...

...

A seemingly happy, functional family—what a novelty.

4. He comes from the same background.

Rich kid.

Son of a real estate developer.

Born and raised as an upper-class New Yorker.

Shunned by his more intellectual and classy peers, derided as a laughingstock.

No experience in government.

They're almost the same person... if you disregard Jared Kushner's superior academic credentials.

5. He's Jewish.

Religion says a lot about a person, but to Donald Trump it only says one.

Kushner's Jewish religion has ONE purpose in Trump's campaign and administration—providing Donald with an iron-clad shield against accusations of anti-semitism.

He has proven to be essential to Trump's continued political success.

6. He's more successful than his brother-in-laws.

Well, this is debatable depending on how you quantify success. But he has certainly made more of a name for himself over the past year than any of Trump's biological sons.

In addition, Kushner played a similar role to Donald Trump in growing his father's successful real estate business, while the junior Trumps latched on to their father's long-established success.

Via aintborntipycal.tumblr.com

7. He's not a Trump.

When Donald Trump entered politics, he knew from experience that nothing he did could ever ruin the family brand. But he has started to learn that politicians face a very different kind of public scrutiny.

Having "family" (the only people Trump trusts)—without the Trump name on the letterhead—right next to him in the White House, protects Trump from some very obvious accusations of nepotism. Kushner represents Trump interests within the White House Administration without drawing as much attention to the Trumps themselves.

Via gph.is

8. He has a low profile.

Sure, he is an honorary Trump and his marriage to Ivanka and subsequent children has drawn tabloid coverage, as well as the attention of New York socialites.

But, unlike the Trump children, Kushner did not grown up in the national public eye. Other than his father's imprisonment (minor detail), Kushner has avoided visible dark marks on his resume.

The Trump family is a national shit-show, but don't take your eye off them.

Millions of people around the world are skeptical, or downright suspicious, of President* Donald Trump.

Now, he has son-in-law Jared Kushner and daughter Ivanka Trump at his side in the White House, while Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump run the Trump empire "independently."

Trump's #1 interest is himself, and ensuring the immense public success of his children allows him to promote that interest even when he is long gone.

Via gph.is

Many questions remain about the Trump childrens' involvement in their father's governance and Trump's involvement in his childrens' business. But, as was announced this week, Trump has appointed Jared Kushner to lead the White House Office of American Innovation —a name which, if you studied history at all, might draw eerie associations with the House Un-American Activities Committee and the birth of McCarthyism.

Trump's business interests do not stop with him (his "divestments" are meaningless) and his role as President benefits anyone riding his coattails. Validation of Jared Kushner as a political figure could easily lead to political validation of the entire Trump family (in a twisted "Kennedy-esque" way). Watch the entire Trump family and administration (whether named Trump or not) in the coming days, months, years, and *sigh* decades—we can't put up with this longer than necessary.

Via noyoureoutoforder.tumblr.com

Writer apologizes for deliberate asshole-ry by way of sarcasm, mocking, and humor.

Writer also advises further research on Jared Kushner because he's a douche and this article doesn't do nearly enough to display that.