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NICK, THE RUNNER-UP, WEEK 1 RECAP

So, a new season and a not-so-new Bachelor: Nick Viall. Like every bachelor, we know that he has flaws and weakness. Nick’s flaw? He keeps getting women to fall in love with him, but not quite enough, making him the perpetual runner-up. Between the runner up thing and the fact that everybody talks about how nobody likes him but now he’s here (Chris Harrison included)—that’s the whole content of this show. But don’t worry, these girls are going to be drama, mainly because there’s an average 10 year difference between them and Nick.

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1. Girls That Need to Go to "First Impressions 101"

Hailey: “What do girls with no underwear say?” punch line: she alludes that she isn’t wearing underwear because apparently, she knows that "Nick’s a very sexual man". Just stop. Please. Hailey, get some granny panties and your own priorities.

Taylor from Seattle is hella rude and just insulted Nick right off the bat, with little to no compliment afterwards; but hey, Nick kept her so maybe he likes girls that are mean?

Jaimi: "I have balls!!!" (She’s referring to her septum piercing, which 1. Doesn’t make you special and 2. Shouldn’t warrant you being able to make that joke)

•Best of the worst first impressions: Nick: "How are you?" "I am Lauren!"

2. Girls That Are Promising

Vanessa is literally perfection (speaks 3 languages, teaches special ed, and her mother attests that she makes “great lasagna”) except that she doesn't know how to wear a sweater or realize that she is capable of SO MUCH MORE

Sarah: out of the entire runner-up pick up lines, her’s was the SMOOTHEST! She’s cute and definitely could be top 4

Rachel: the very surprising recipient of the first impression rose, but I mean she’s basically Olivia Pope’s understudy, so way to go Nick!

3. Girls That I Just Can't

Via hulu.com

Corinne: is a "serious business woman" who took 3 months off for a reality TV show and gave the first kiss and COULDN’T stop talking about it

•At first, I thought I liked Liz but then she said that she didn't give Nick her number because he was "being too nice” and that she wants(?) Nick to not remember her after they had sex—uh what? That’s not mysterious and fun, you’re just proving to be crazy. But Nick (the producers) kept her, so we’ll see how this plays out

Raven is from such a small town that she's probably impregnated someone else at a high school party

Josephine: she says that she is a registered nurse but the shot of her putting on a stethoscope in the mirror just seems like she’s actually a porn star auditioning for “Dr. Likes to Bone Guy With Broken Bones”. Further proving my point? How she just wants to be a meme after her “you’re a wiener in my book” pick up

Danielle M. is a neonatal nurse that seems super sweet, but she has a voice that sounds like she's always crying, so no thanks

4. Dark Horses (Honorable Mentions)

Via sbnation.com

Alexis from Seacaucus is a weirdo who wore a shark costume and kept drunkenly defending that it was actually a dolphin; I loved every second of her screen time

•Pour one out for Olivia, the eskimo from Alaska that Nick should’ve saved!

Raquel: Corinne’s real-life servant who fetches her bowls of cucumbers and deserves ALL OF THE LOVE

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