What I've Learned Since Losing My Best Friend To Suicide

For National Suicide Prevention Week, it's time to break the silence.

Bryana Elizabeth

I lost my father to suicide on December 9, 2016, just four months and three days after he had walked me down the aisle at my wedding, just one month and two days after my 28th birthday, and just one day after finishing my seventh semester of graduate school. He was my best friend and my biggest supporter – a vice president at his company and the most loving father – and his unexpected death shattered my world.

Although suicide has gained increasing attention in recent years, it still carries so much shame and stigma and so, I have said these words aloud only a handful of times and only to those who are closest to me. But in the nine months since my father’s death, I have learned that the grieving process after losing someone to suicide is messy and complicated and nearly impossible for others to understand. And so, in honor of National Suicide Prevention Week (September 10-16, 2017), I am going to share what I have learned in trying to navigate the world after losing my father to suicide.

1. Remember that it is not your fault.

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After my dad’s death, I spent months obsessing over what I could have done differently. I have played out thousands of different scenarios and recounted every conversation I had with my dad leading up to his death. At times, it is nearly impossible not to feel at fault – not to feel guilty for my father’s death. But guilt will eat you from the inside out if you allow it, and self-blame will drive you to the brink of insanity. The reality is that suicide is no one’s fault. Not your loved one’s and certainly not yours. It is a tragic loss where no one is to blame. Try to hold on to this. And have those around you remind you of it too.

2. Allow yourself to experience your feelings - whatever they may be.

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I have experienced nearly every emotion possible since my dad’s death. Gut-wrenching sadness that has glued me to the couch for days. Confusion that has kept me awake at night. Extreme anger and irritability that have led me to throw things and punch walls. While sadness is something that everyone who has experienced loss can relate to, confusion and anger are more complicated feelings. It can be difficult to know what to do with them. Immediately after my dad’s death, I did everything in my power to stifle my anger because it felt so wrong. I did not want to be angry at him when I missed him so terribly because the two emotions felt entirely conflicting. But ignoring your feelings does not make them go away, and it only makes healing more difficult. It’s okay to be sad AND angry. It’s okay to be confused. It’s okay to not know how you’re feeling at all sometimes. There is no rulebook for dealing with grief, and your feelings are valid, whatever they may be.

3. Don't fault others for not understanding.

Epiphany of Sunshine Tumblr / Via epiphanyofsunshine.tumblr.com

This is something that I have struggled with the most in the months since my father has died. The day after he passed away, gift baskets, texts, cards, and phone calls came pouring in. The week after he died, family friends brought meals and stopped by to see how I was doing. The month after he died, people tentatively asked how I was "handling things." Now, few people ask me about my dad or check in on me to see how I am coping. My friends do not understand why I sometimes bail on plans or why small, seemingly insignificant things will cause me to start sobbing. The reality is that losing someone to suicide can be all-encompassing. It can be painfully isolating. And it can be hard for others to understand the ups and downs unless you share your experience with them. So if you feel strong enough, don't be afraid to share. Don't be afraid to tell people what you need. Even though they may still not understand, there is power in being vulnerable and in letting other people in.

4. Remember that your loved one is more than the method of their death.

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After losing someone to suicide, it can be difficult to think of anything other than how they died. When my dad passed away, it immediately felt like I had been stripped of every positive memory I had of him. Every time I thought of him, my mind painfully wandered to his suicide and the weeks leading up to it, when I knew that he was struggling but felt like nothing I did was enough to help him. At times, I can still taste the vomit in my mouth when I think of it, as I did the night that I found out he had died. But my dad was so much more than that. He was so much more than his suicide. He was the man who coached all of my middle school basketball games, road-tripped with me across the country to tour colleges and grad schools, and stayed up late with me the night before my wedding to drink champagne and eat popcorn. He was the person whose laughter lit up a room, whose hugs made you feel safe and warm, and whose words of reassurance always seemed to come at the right time. He was my dad. He was my best friend. But he was not his suicide.

5. Embrace the suck.

Jeri Clay/tri_chic / Via instagram.com

One month after my dad’s death, the spring semester of my 3rd year of graduate school started. I didn’t feel ready – to face people, to immerse myself in articles and presentations, or to move forward. I knew that it was going to be challenging, and so I continually reminded myself that it was going to suck but I was going to be okay. In navigating the world after a traumatic loss, acknowledging that things are difficult can sometimes make the transition back to real life a little bit easier. It is okay to have bad days. It is okay to lack passion. It is okay to feel like you are giving 50% when you usually give 120%. Getting out of bed is a big deal, and so is making it through another day.

6. Find small moments of happiness.

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It can still be difficult for me to allow myself to experience happiness because it is almost always followed by guilt and sadness – guilt that my dad will never experience happiness again and sadness because I can’t share my happiness with him. But being able to find little moments of peace is such an important part of healing, and it is such an important part of being a human. Watch Netflix. Go for a walk. Sit outside and read a book. Allow yourself to laugh. Experiencing small moments of happiness doesn’t mean that the grief and pain are gone, but sometimes it can be like a breath of fresh air to remember that you are capable of putting it on the back burner for a second or a minute or an hour. Sometimes, it’s necessary.

My main point through all of this is that I will be okay.

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Even though it doesn’t always feel like it, I am slowly finding a new normal in the aftermath of my father’s death. And be gentle with yourself because even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, you will be okay too.

If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out at 1-800-273-TALK or visit https://afsp.org/ for resources in your area.