The Ocean Inside Of Me

A look into what it's like living with depression and medical issues.

The Ocean Inside of Me

Every morning I wake up desperate for the smell of brine, the sound of seagulls singing around me. I long to wake up in a large raft, deep in the heart of the Atlantic, alone and spending my days swimming and sleeping, in a state of solace and satisfaction. I want to be far, far out of sight, away from the world that treats me like a lab rat. I need to be further from humanity than my happiness is from me. Light years further, because I know that my life will never go back to my normal state of being. I could no longer walk, no longer drive, or take 3AM adventures. I could no longer be who I was. I had physically died and come back, but spiritually, the fire that was burning in my heart had been permanently snuffed and in this giant reflecting pool that I pretended to wake up each morning, I only saw half the person I was meant to be.

Now, I spend every night listening to the crashing waves of my total heart, coming in and out like the sounds of an overly active tide.The things it prohibits me from doing roll over my head, cutting off oxygen to the life I've lost.

Independence. Crash. Friendships. Crash. Driving. Crash. Dating. Crash.

These mountains of compressed air, although keeping me alive, carry my small pleasantries out to sea like the uncleared debris from a storm the night before. My nights are greeted, not by a full moon, but a small green light telling me: "It's okay Breanne, you should live through until morning."

Should.

This should fix the machine.

This medication should help with your anxiety,

You should be able to walk again.

Words like should, could and maybe wash onto my coast. However, there is no definite because like the manatee, people like me are hard to spot if you don't look in the right spot. There's no absolute way to ensure the life of an endangered species. Although it is possible, a seashell hardly washes up completely intact.

Yet, every now and again, I dream of the line that divides the sky and sea and how beautifully invisible it almost is. Only then do I wake with the wind in my sails,and I can remind myself that its not about how agonizing the journey will be to that wonderfully warm sunset, but how gorgeous and lovely it'll be once I get there.

With that fantasy in mind, I can close my eyes again and enjoy the songs of the gulls and the smell of brine for just a little while longer.