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19 Stages Of Trying To Grow A Beard

Best of luck to you and your face, mate.

Braun
by Braun

Brand Publisher

1. Warming Up

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You read something one time about "massaging the follicles" and how this can stimulate growth, so you've been subtly motorboating the air and rubbing your face with a back massager all week. That's commitment.

2. The Promise

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It's going to be a long, rocky road full of embarrassing fluff, itches, and points where you're looking at a mirror covered in shaving foam, crying. You must promise yourself that you will persevere. You must take the pledge.

3. The Pledge

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1. Go to a mountain.

2. Yell this: "I, [state your name], do pledge my total and undivided commitment to growing this goddamn beard on my goddamn face. I, [state your name and possibly your age], am sick and tired of asking other adults to purchase my beer for me. With the Beard God as my beard witness, I promise to see this beard out until it's through."

3. Beard.

4. Early Sprouts

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Oh shit, it worked. That dumb pledge worked. This is exciting. You've gone from clean shaven to spotting a few darling beard buds dotted around your face and neck.

5. No Wait, That's Somehow Washed Off

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Turns out that it was actually just some dirt. Back to square uno.

6. Some Time Passes

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7. The Upper Lip Shadow

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Why is it always the 'tache region that comes first? You're not complaining. You'll take what you can get at this point. Let's hope the rest follows suit.

8. A Tough Decision

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OK, this is where it gets difficult. You've kind of got a weird shadow on the top of your lip with a few rando patches on your cheek... What are you gonna do?

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9. The Payoff (Finally)

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You thought it might never happen, but now you're getting there – sort of. You've got a reasonably even smattering of stubble over your lower face, with only a few missed spots dotted around here and there.

10. Rubbing It

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You're gonna want to do this a lot, and with good reason. Rubbing your stubble sounds and feels great, like you're a cowboy or a carpenter or Marlon Brando.

11. Disowning Your Old Face

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"Oh my god, you look so different!" You will be tempted to be offended when people tell you that you look, quote, OMG SO MUCH, end quote, better than you did before, thanks entirely to a few minuscule strands of hair, but you must remain composed.

12. Coming Along Nicely

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Eyyyy! My man! Look at you and your face. This is going great.

13. Some Time Passes

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*insert montage of you sitting at home or the office taking selfies set to some thriving yacht rock*

14. DISASTER

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Oh, god. Your beard was developing a healthy sheen, and you tried to even it up just a little, but you have messed up bad. You have set yourself back by an entire week while that patch of hair you accidentally scalped from under your chin grows back.

15. A Darkness Descends

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You're standing in an empty bathroom, looking in the mirror at a man you no longer recognise. You're at your lowest ebb.

16. You Eat Some Cake

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Cake is delicious. You'll be fine.

17. Cooking With Gas

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That patch has grown back and you're thicker than ever. You contemplate things that seemed out of your reach before: building a log cabin, fixing a carburetor, striking a match directly off your jaw, etc.

18. Living That Beard Life

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You and your beard are now a beautifully poised tag-team. You respect the beard and the beard you. You are literally inseparable, and you even dress to accentuate your best pal. It's time to give thanks.

19. You Make an Offering to the Beard Gods

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Build a bonfire. Throw all of the pictures of you sans beard into said bonfire. Light it the hell up. Perhaps sing a solemn rending of a Kenny Loggins classic while you stare into the flames – up to you. Just saying.

You've got the knowledge, now get the gear that'll make your beardy dreams a reality with Braun.

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