Either out of passion or a lack of other things to be upset about, Australians have been angrily rallying around a cultural institution that is currently facing bureaucratic destruction: the Bunnings sausage sizzle.
The Bunnings sausage sizzle is an open-faced sausage sandwich, usually made with mass-produced sausages, white bread, optional onions, and condiments at your leisure. They're sold at charity pop-ups, held at Bunnings hardware stores across the country.
Every weekend, people across Australia can go to their local Bunnings and buy a sausage sandwich (or sausage sizzle) for a few dollars, satisfying their bellies and whatever charity or community organisation has held that weekend's pop-up.
Earlier this week Bunnings made an announcement that shook Australia to its very core: new safety measures were being introduced that would require sausages to be served onion-first, underneath the sausage, for Occupational Health and Safety reasons.
That's right! No more onions on top! You fools! You idiots! You heathens!
"We recently introduced a suggestion that onion be placed underneath sausages to help prevent the onion from falling out and creating a slipping hazard," chief operating officer of Bunnings, Debbie Poole, told radio station 3AW in a statement.
Now, some of you who are reading this and who aren't Australian probably think that's pretty fair. No-one wants to slip over! Especially on bits of onion! That's painful AND embarrassing! But guess what, dear reader: Australians took it a bit more seriously.
It was a whole thing.
Look, I don't know.
ANYWAY, such was the MAGNITUDE of this incredibly important event that the PRIME MINISTER OF AUSTRALIA, THE LEADER OF THE COUNTRY, THE BIG KAHUNA, Scott Morrison, was asked to weigh in.
And he fuckin' did.
I sWeAR to GOd.
"Whether the onions are on top or underneath, I'll always be buying sausages on bread," – THE PRIME MINISTER OF AUSTRALIA.
This is the face of a man who has been thrown a ball so soft he can hit it not just out of the park, but on to another fuckin' planet.
After that great development in the story we also had this: someone came forward to the NATIONAL BROADCASTER to make sure that everyone knew that yes, he had slipped on onions at Bunnings before and yes, we should do something about it. Turns out he was actually legit hurt.
"It is serious stuff, this onion thing," Trevor – whose surname can't be disclosed due to a non-disclosure agreement he made with Bunnings – told the ABC.
"I walked into the store and it happened so fast, I had leather boots on … I went down on my back," he said.
"I went to another Bunnings a couple of weeks after and I had a panic attack.
"Every time I go into Bunnings now I look on the floor — I look for onions."
Other news outlets were fighting for EXCLUSIVES LIKE THIS!!! This photo is WATERMARKEDEDDDD@!!@!!
It's in THE NEW YORK TIMES egaolangoanapnphagehnaeh
Oh, also, people were now upset that this was a story at all.
This is me during all of this, btw:
Anyway, today is Thursday, and we seem to be moving away from outrage into pure confusion and wide-eyed bliss. The Bunnings sausage is forever changed. There is nothing we, the consumer, can do. This is 2018. Enjoy this tweet:
Brad Esposito is a news reporter for BuzzFeed and is based in Sydney, Australia.
Contact Brad Esposito at email@example.com.
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