"It's not just the fact of the arrests that was spectacular, it was how they were carried out. Hotel sheets are very much like FIFA officials. They actually should be clean, but really they're unspeakably filthy and, deep down, everybody knows that."
"But maybe the most remarkable thing about all the charges is that they didn't touch Sepp Blatter, who's been president of FIFA for the last 17 years. On his watch, the World Cup has left a trail of devastation."
"You have to give them credit. FIFA literally went in to Brazil, paved paradise, and put up a parking lot."
"Just look at what's going to happen next Saturday when the Women's World Cup starts. Blatter has previously suggested raising the popularity of women's soccer by saying, 'They could, for example, have tighter shorts. Female players are pretty.'"
"It is rare to find a non-fired boss who will openly say, 'I would like to make it easier to masturbate to my employees.'"
"No decision Blatter's overseen is more questionable than the 2022 World Cup being awarded to Qatar. Not only will conditions be terrible to play in, but the number of migrant workers that have died since the Cup was announced has been staggering."
"Even if all those [deaths] are not directly related to the World Cup, those are still natural disaster numbers."
"All the arrests in the world are going to change nothing as long as Blatter's still there. Because to truly kill a snake, you must cut off its head. Or in this case, its asshole."
"Barring an indictment, the only people with the power to get rid of Sepp Blatter are FIFA's sponsors. And I would like to make a plea to them tonight: Please, make Sepp Blatter go away!"
"I'll do anything! Adidas, I'll wear one of your ugly shoes!"
"McDonald's, I'll take a bite out of every item on your Dollar Menu, which tastes like normal food that was cursed by a vindictive wizard."
"I'll even make the ultimate sacrifice! Budweiser, if you pull your support and help get rid of Blatter, I'll put my mouth where my mouth is, and I will personally drink one of your disgusting items."
"I will even drink a Bud Light Lime!"
"If you get rid of the Swiss demon who has ruined the sport I love, this stuff will taste like fucking champagne!"