The Life Of A Phish Fan In A World That Thinks Phish Is Stupid

If you love drugs, poor hygiene and meandering, aimless noodling, you’ll love this article.

1. You enjoy Phish’s music.

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2. But they are uncool, and so are you.

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3. Apparently, you are into “noodling.”

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4. You listen to music that is “meandering” and “aimless.”

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5. You, personally, are a hippie. You smell like patchouli, hippie.

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6. You don’t have a job.

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7. You’re a terrible dancer.

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8. You have a drug problem.

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9. You don’t even care what Phish’s music sounds like, because you’re too super stoned to notice.

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10. You don’t care what Phish’s music sounds like (reminder: it’s terrible) as long as you’re super stoned, dancing ineptly, with your unemployment check raised above your head in triumph.

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11. Basically being a Phish fan means people assuming you’re an idiot. So what’s the upside?

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12. Are the hot, tasty grooves adequate compensation for the emotional suffering and condescension heaped upon you by a Phish-phobic society?

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13. What about the hair-raising shred riffage? Does the hair-raising shred riffage heal your wounds?

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14. The light show created on the fly in sync with the music?

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15. The goofy IN THE FLOW, MAN faces?

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16. The heartening realization that musicians themselves are often indifferent to the hierarchies and boundaries of taste that critics and fans try to enforce?

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17. The years of musical history and group lore that make every show into its own episode of a three-decade story?

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18. A concert environment in which people act like human beings and help each other have a good time instead of competing for every inch of space as if standing a foot closer to the stage than the bros next to you makes you king of the monkey pack?

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19. The thing when — after minutes of winding chromatic anticipation — the lights go up, the crowd combusts, the music crashes like an asteroid and the world is replaced by a ocean of sound and white fire? You know, THAT thing?

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20. Of COURSE it’s worth it, pal.

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21. DUH.

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22. Thirty years and counting. Let’s keep the vibes going.

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