Calm it, Kimmy K!!
The 21st Century is a strange sort of place, where selfie sticks have become the sceptres of soliloquy for a generation of social media kings and queens who posit their poise and pathos in a mirage of photography (that's instagram whores for those who can't read good). Has the vanity of Millennials set an impossible precedent for beauty standards in our society? We are constantly bombarded with romantic pop-Americana visuals, on the pretty petite blonde and athletic chiseled macho man - set amid a context of a high school social caste system. Is it really worth the pomp, jeers and crocodile tears? I believe there's a more enlightened way. Get your incense sticks and meditation mats ready because in a series of short snappy points your fashion guru is going to prove why ugly is best. Far out huh?
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Aesthetic is EVERYTHING! Take it from this seasoned delusioniste who stylistically entwined Andrew VanWyngarden of MGMT-fame's mop-to-make-you-melt look, with some poundshop (or dollarworld if you're reading in Panem???) down-trodden Frankie Cocozza cum Bon Jovi backcombed, scene-y mullet type of thing. And breathe. I can practically feel my eardrums bursting from the elated screams of teeniebopper yanderes at the mention of such pinup high school hearthrobs.
It was a beautiful mess. However, maintaining a full fringe and bangs at the same was a task to say the least and often gave the impression of wearing a toupé when it was windy out; my otherwise precariously waxed-to-the-side bang would start flapping about almost as a third hand waving to alert the unsuspecting passerby to its shameful existence. But the monster that I created could be tamed with hairspray to the extent where (I hope) it wasn't as noticeable, giving me the freedom to change between looks; I was insecure about bringing back the full fringe for men. The 90's did much to discredit its coolness.
Andy<33
By-the-by, for those of you who aren't acquainted with animé yandere is pretty much a crazed fangirl, and for those who have been living under a rock Panem is the Hunger Games™ name for a high-tech autocratic slave state, that I shall now use to refer to North America collectively. Sorry Canada, we know you're trying. Australia, you're too far away and NZ, you're not even on most world maps. Big Brother is watching you. Sorry, just a reminder! Anyway, this is not a Geography lesson - he says, wearing a souvenir t-shirt he bought in D.C. Jairo, if you're reading this, your designs are now famous! Thank you for all the condiments and I'm sorry about leaving my used underwear in the bathroom... Old habits die hard eh?
Your distinctive looks give you the edge in a crowd: exploit them!! The point is, with the right hair, makeup and accessories you can make the old hag from Snow White say « B!tch I'm Madonna! » It's all a case of trial and error - finding what works for you. Hey everyone loves a good transformation story! If you go in with enough confidence it doesn't matter what the plastics and brobots think. 9 times out of 10 those little comments are their own frustrated projections that they aren't as chic or bold as you. Give it 6 months and they'll be taking tips from your old knock-offs.
Go Getter, Trend Setter
Just because you're not considered conventionally attractive in the 'present tense' - underline that by the way, because there is no way of adequately emphasizing that on here - it doesn't matter. As I think the saying goes « one man's trash is another man's gold » or something like that. The vogue of today is the faux pas of tomorrow and trust me the French invented au current. Fashion changes with the seasons and you, my ugly duckling, will ride the winds of change like a beautiful swan; with grace and poise and elegance.
Just take a look at the likes of Benedict Cumberbatch and Kate Moss; neither conform to our society's ideal of macho man and feminine goddess and yet they are considered leading icons of their respective industries. Cumberbatch was honored as The World's Sexiest Actor in 2013 and starred in 3 of the Highest Grossing Films of that year (grossing like revenue not ew I'm grossed out, right?). Moss on the other hand has been named as one of TIMEs 100 Most Influential People and even had a 50kg solid-gold lump sculpted in her likeness immortalising her forever. Not even the Pharaohs had that kind of appreciation.
Geek? C'est Chic!
Ahhh!! I believe 2014 was the switchover year that us losers officially became the kool kids on the block. Yeah that's how cool I am, I spelt it with a K. 'Populars' around the world looked on in horror as their sublime was swept up from right beneath their feet. In reality, this had been taking place for quite some time, but had broken through in 2013 with the return of scene favourites Fall Out Boy & Panic! At the Disco, while Bring Me The Horizon's Sempiternal achieved critical success. For those Indie inclined such as myself, 2013 was the year Kygo released his EP containing remixes of Ed Sheeran and Martin Gaye, whose ethnic sound was concurrently stolen and ripped-off by the American pop industry, to the extent where it is now considered 'contemporary dance'. It makes me sick.
This was bolstered by the release of blockbusters Star Trek and The Hobbit and various super hero films around the same time??? Call me a heretic, I'm just not that into them. My point is WE *proudly stands up with lightsaber replica in hand* were so awesome in 2013 that everyone started copying us the following year. *Pulls out coloured hair reference book and various bleach and tie-dye clothes*. I guess you could label this section fringe, but I'm sticking with the geek. Embrace it.
Cliché 101: Personality
I just have easily could have chosen to ingratiate this segment with the fabulous façade of the Old Hag, if you can't remember the scene you need to stream Snow White (or just watch it on youtube) it is friggin hilarious! The lesser looking of us have often had to fight to prove their worthiness to others; shallow and conceited yes, but it is often appearance that guides the hand of friendship - particularly in this age of instagram idols, facebook fiends and hyped-up hipsters.... Besides, what's a rebel without a cause? At least hippies actually attended protests. Did that hurt? Good.
Regardless, Yzma is just the sort of fiery personality that people adore. Sure she borders on the maniacal, but wouldn't you be working for a narcissistic, elitist dictator whose staff and subjects frown upon you out of mere prepondered judgement? I mean anyone who has a rollercoaster installed in her workplace is a friend of mine (at least not one 500 feet above the ground) !! Not to mention the fact her original plan to become empress involved posting Kuzco to herself as a flea!!
'But, I'm Fat?'
Speaking of Fat Amy...
Just as a point of reference, I do not consider Fat Amy ugly, I am merely using her as a an embodiment of social non-conformity in a superficial setting, where the Barden Bellas represent the narrow-minded conceptions of beauty in the 21st Century. You can put away your pitchforks now. As such, your tenacious attitude, means that you have a thick skin. Not as the result of some freakish Frankenstein-esque genetic experiment gone wrong (I'd hope), but as a testament to all the years of harassment and/or neglect. This gives you an immediate disdain of fake people and crazy extrasensory abilities to tell when someone isn't being straight with you.
This duality makes you a bravado-churning death machine of the highest calibre. You can obliterate someone faster than you could say Hasta La Vista... It takes 90 seconds, not that I've been counting. This makes you an invaluable asset to your pretty friends, who no doubt are exploited by f**k boys and wannabes on a regular basis. Consequently you are most likely the mother or father of the group owing to your harsher life experiences which you desperately try to shield your innocent little whelps from.
Last One I Promise!
Sad, but rad
Hey!! You may not be the prettiest flower in the bunch, but you sure know how to have fun right?! As you are considered the dead-weight in the group you often fall short of being invited to parties - god knows why, a combined sneeze, burp and fart should be considered an olympic sport! If they actually invited you, they would realize you're so much funnier than those airhead poopermodels you call friends, I mean they didn't call you Bantasaurus Rex for nothing right? Sure that might have been a dig at your titchy muffin-grabbers in comparison to your beastly torso, but they won't see that in a half-darkened room anyway.
Dr Zoidberg has been called hideous, weird, and a parasite but this only seems to harden the eccentric crustacean's resolve to have a good time! He is always the first of the Futurama crew to lose his inhibitions and just go with the flow. When the Professor creates a shrink ray to explore the intimacy of Fry's body (quite literally, wink) our crimson comrade makes himself at home in a matter of minutes, domesticating one of his inseminiary swimmers for want of a better euphemism. Yes I paint art with words. And in The Deep South actually finding himself a giant shell to live in, which he furnishes with a picket fence garden after 5 minutes underwater.
Fairytale Material
Disney sure has some strange stories; in the book version Snow White was originally led to her death in the forest and had her organs harvested by the Evil Queen(?!) presumably as a part of some sort of bloodletting ritual(?!!!?!?), while in Cinderella, the ugly step sisters - that's you gurl - disfigure their feet in order to woo the Prince with their magic glass shoe fitting ability. Takes killer heels to new heights right? And then of course we have Beauty and the Beast-iality... but I guess that's where you fit in. Only kidding! Or am I? >:D As it happens the grotesque fit the bill just right!!
Just to be clear though, I'm talking the shining lights of super stardom, not some cameo role. Sorry Old Hag, move over, there's a new dungeon diva in town! I mean you may be a little tight on roles if you're female, BUT that's just more reason to set an indecent precedent. You could be the next Quazimodo? Ugly people are remembered throughout the generations, beautiful people however are cheap and easily replaced!
Dude, Where's My Brah?
So this cheesy ending might be at odds with the rest of the article, if not, I did my job well and shall crack open an alcohol-free beer and start sing-chanting Tina Turner's Simply The Best because I'm a good boy who likes to pretend he's on a disparaging health kick. Probably because when I imagine myself in active wear I see Yes Man montages running through my head proving that I am a spontaneous, goodie-doer who contributes positively towards society.
But to the point, just do you, whatever your groove is - we live in a world of 7 billion people plus in one of the most progressive time's in our beautiful planet's history (I did warn you, sorry)! People's attitudes are moving away from a streamlined ideal to whatever the heart wants - someone out there is bound to find you attractive and in a lot of ways, it is best that you don't impress the majority because you will only attract the wrong sort of people. Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) eat your heart out. To quote a brilliant episode of the Mighty Boosh: it's what inside that counts; it's not the orange it's the peel! Try channelling your inner beauty and you might just the world around you comes to reflect it. Of course this is all completely satirical (don't forget to break all the mirrors on your way out!)
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