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These Are The People You'll Meet On Grindr

Eye rolls at the ready.

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1. The Friend Maker

Grindr person: "I'm just looking for friends!!! Friends only!!!" Me:

The Friend Maker is on Grindr just to make friends and he will say this at any and every opportunity: in his headline, his bio, and probably in his first message. The Friend Maker is a difficult nut to crack because half of them are actually looking for friends, but the other half are actually looking for dick and are just being shy about their intentions.

3. The Straight Man.

There's a guy on grindr claiming to be straight but offering nude full body massages

The Straight Man will swear blind that he's not gay, which of course explains why he's on a gay dating app. He won't even admit to being bisexual or curious, he's just here to yell "I'M STRAIGHT" to anybody that will listen.

4. The Masc 4 Masc.

"#Masc4Masc, not into the scene. No fats, femmes, blacks or Asians." Me:

The Masc 4 Masc is easily spotted from his bio: "Gym fit lookin 4 same no fats no fems like my men 2 b men." Basically the Masc 4 Masc is a bellend that should be avoided at all costs.


5. The Closet Sitter.

Instagram: @paulmcgee83

The Closet Sitter hasn't come out yet and doesn't have any plans to. He doesn't have a clear profile picture, is hesitant to show his face, and if you do go on a date, he'll be shifty all night fretting that somebody he knows will see you. His favourite line is, "I'll tell my family when I've found somebody worth telling them about."

7. The Picture Collector.

Someone on Grindr just asked if I had any more pictures and I accidentally sent him this picture of Dot Cotton. Fml.

The Picture Collector is amongst the most scheming and devious of the Grindr users. His intention is to get as many nudes as possible. He will make you think he wants to meet up, but will block you once he's got the pictures. The Picture Collector and Catfish are often mutually exclusive.

8. The Catfish.

The Catfish is what it says on the can; the user behind this profile isn't the same as the picture being shown. At this present time, science hasn't been able to explain why people think this is a good idea but we live in hope for an advancement on this subject. The Catfish is also often mutually exclusive with The Picture Collector.


9. The Bot.

The Bot is not even a real human. Their profile pictures are of impossibly hot men that get your hopes up when you see they've messaged. But Bots say the same automated responses, meaning hearts often break when they read the "I've been working out a ton it makes me way hard" message.

10. The Floating Torso.

When the headless torso on Grindr finally sends a face pic...

The Floating Torso is easy to spot; they're the ones with a close-up of their body as their profile picture. They know to show off their best assets and enjoy flaunting an ab or six to reel the dick in. This can sometimes be met with disappointment when their face looks like the back end of a bus. The Floating Torso is sometimes linked with The Catfish.

11. The Screenshotter.

When a straight guy in your hometown blocks you on Grindr but you have the screen shot

The Screenshotter is the shadiest Grindr user. He's probably lost all hope with the app and has instead resorted to screenshotting funny conversations to post on Twitter or send to friends. The Screenshotter can sometimes take things too far in the Grindr shaming stakes by including face pics and names of their victims. Translation; they can be cunts.

12. The Cheater.

Via Twitter: @JustSamG

The Cheater is a down and out scumbag, let's get that straight. They're on Grindr looking for sex while their partners are at work. Their favourite word is "discreet", which they use frequently when trying to get laid. The Cheater is a fuckboy and should be banned from 2016, end of.