We hope you love the products we recommend! Just so you know, BuzzFeed may collect a share of sales or other compensation from the links on this page. Oh, and FYI — prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.
Hey! While we’re doing our best to make sure the products we feature will arrive in time for Valentine’s Day, shipping times can vary depending on where you live, which product you purchase, and more. Be sure to double check the retailers’ websites for shipping information to ensure that your gift will arrive in time for the 14th!
1. A pack of tiny squishy penis toys or a large penis pillow for a willy good gift.
2. A classic box of chocolate, butt! with a twist we can all get behind.
Anuses! The chocolate is shaped like little anuses.
Promising review: "These are the greatest gift to give to a proctologist. :D I had two surgeons that had worked with my husband, so I sent these as thank you gifts. They absolutely loved them! It was a hilarious gift and worth the price! The chocolates were actually very tasty also. Would 100% buy again!" —Dawn
Get a box of six from Amazon $8.94.
3. A six-pack of nightmare sodas in novelty flavors sure to make their eyes pop.
The flavors are: bacon, buffalo wing, sweet corn, pumpkin pie, ranch dressing, and peanut butter and jelly. They're all made with pure cane sugar and ill intent.
Get them from Amazon for $23.69.
4. A Paul Blart enamel pin for an arresting new accessory.
Get it from HotToTrotPress on Etsy for $11.
5. A creepy Pennywise or anatomical heart bath bomb sure to make their heart skip a beat.
Get Pennywise from WickedSudsCreations on Etsy for $7 or the heart from AlluringElixirs on Etsy for $8.99.
6. A custom cushion featuring your beautiful mug, so "sit on my face" can have a brand new meaning.
It takes 5–7 days to make.
Get it from Firebox for $23.99.
7. A squirrelly teddy bear I'm sure that they'll be nuts about.
Get it from Amazon for $19.99.
8. A pair of bread slippers, aka loafers, to keep their toes nice and toasty.
Get them from Amazon for $16.99+ (available in sizes M–L and four styles).
9. A bottle opener featuring Dwight wearing the face of that CPR dummy. What a nice way to tell someone that you wanna give them the kiss of life...and then stab them and take their face.
Get it from Amazon for $10.95.
10. A gift card to the most romantic spot you can think of: Taco Bell.
Listen, I just saw a recently married couple enjoying some cheesy gordita crunches at the Taco Bell Cantina in Vegas. NO PLACE IS MORE ROMANTIC.
Get it from Amazon for $25.
11. A pair of stainless steel collar stays to keep their collars looking sharp and to keep their minds on you.
Get them from Amazon for $11.99.
12. Jizz the game, a party game that'll come in handy for otherwise dull get-togethers.
Fill this gizmo up with water (or any other liquid) to get started. Spin the balls to see how many pumps the player needs to perform, plus where they need to aim it.
Get it from Firebox for $26.99.
13. You've Got Crabs — a fun card game that lets you be able to say that phrase to your partner without a clawful response.
The game includes 78 cards, instructions, a foam turn indicator, 28 crab points, and a box with three drawer compartments. It's intended for ages seven and up. To play the game, split into teams of two, create a secret signal, and try to get four matching cards that only your partner knows about. Be sure to pick up the expansion pack to get the crab claws shown in the picture!
Get it from Amazon for $19.99.
14. An elephant thong for anyone with some junk in the trunk.
Get it from Amazon for $6.99+ (available in three styles).
15. A pair of chicken socks and a handbag to match so they can look really clucking good.
16. An iron throne pet bed so their ruthless cat can have a proper place to sit and glare at you.
Get it from MadeForPets on Etsy for $275.
17. A mermaid sequin pillow case that reveals a national treasure when they pet it.
18. Fifty Shades of Chicken — a punishingly good cookbook for sultry poultry lovers.
Promising review: "Beautiful book. The pictures and quality of this book is gorgeous and the recipes are also unique. I almost want to buy one for myself (I got it for someone as a gift). I'm not a Fifty Shades gal but this is still awesome. Definitely a high quality yet fully functional gag gift." —Avery T
Get it from Amazon for $12.79 or from a local bookseller through Indiebound.
19. A jar of dill dough, because that's what they wanted right? Dill dough?
Get it from Amazon for $12.95.
20. And a dill-icious looking pickle jar necklace to match.
22. Or a pair of Fundies for the couple that likes to be as close as possible.
Get it from Amazon for $8.93.
23. A somewhat aggressive candle sure to make them think of you (and maybe furtively glance around the house) every time they light it.
Get it from AtoZCandles on Etsy for $12+ (available in three sizes and 11 scents).
24. The Story of Life — an informative illustrated explainer by Chris (Simpsons artist) on everything they need to know about the world.
If you haven't seen Chris (Simpsons artist)'s work before, here ya go.
Promising review: "Not everyone shares the same sense of humor so you may not think it is funny. I haven't read anything so funny in my whole life. Absurd, surreal, and absolutely 1000% funny." —Daniel Bradley
Get it from Amazon for $10.59.
25. A toast-shaped crossbody purse to give to the loaf of your life.
Get it from Amazon for $4.22+ (available in three colors).
26. A pack of cards touting expert advice from the "World's Most Celebrated Felines."
It comes with 50 advice cards, plus a booklet with information on the cats and how to use the cards.
Promising review: "This is a really fun deck with some super interesting insights and messages. I really enjoy working with it and my clients enjoy a Caturday-themed card pull with them!" —KalaLaRue
Get it from Amazon for $13.49.
27. A one-pound bag of cereal marshmallows that'll save them the trouble of picking out all the non-charms from their Lucky Charms.
Promising review: "My soulmate snack. Buying these charms was one of the best decisions of my life. The bag is twice the size of my head. The marshmallows are aesthetically pleasing and delicious. It's everything I ever wanted in a snack." —Amazon Customer
Get it from Amazon for $10.99.
28. Blobfish slippers to match their dour outlook on Valentine's Day.
Get them from Amazon for $24.99.
29. And an eggplant bar soap with a strong resemblance to your favorite emoji to send them. 🍆❤️
It's made with coconut oil, aubergine decoction, lemony litsea cubeba oil, and calming ho wood oil. It's vegan and cruelty-free.
Get it from Lush for $6.95.
Happy Valentine's Day to you and your...special someone.
Reviews have been edited for length and/or clarity.
Looking for the perfect gift for any occasion? Check out all of BuzzFeed’s gift guides!
