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1. A pack of tiny squishy penis toys or a large penis pillow for a willy good gift.
2. A classic box of chocolate, butt! with a twist we can all get behind.
3. A six-pack of nightmare sodas in novelty flavors sure to make their eyes pop.
4. A Paul Blart enamel pin for an arresting new accessory.
5. A creepy Pennywise or anatomical heart bath bomb sure to make their heart skip a beat.
6. A custom cushion featuring your beautiful mug, so "sit on my face" can have a brand new meaning.
7. A squirrelly teddy bear I'm sure that they'll be nuts about.
8. A pair of bread slippers, aka loafers, to keep their toes nice and toasty.
9. A bottle opener featuring Dwight wearing the face of that CPR dummy. What a nice way to tell someone that you wanna give them the kiss of life...and then stab them and take their face.
10. A gift card to the most romantic spot you can think of: Taco Bell.
11. A pair of stainless steel collar stays to keep their collars looking sharp and to keep their minds on you.
12. Jizz the game, a party game that'll come in handy for otherwise dull get-togethers.
13. You've Got Crabs — a fun card game that lets you be able to say that phrase to your partner without a clawful response.
14. An elephant thong for anyone with some junk in the trunk.
15. A pair of chicken socks and a handbag to match so they can look really clucking good.
16. An iron throne pet bed so their ruthless cat can have a proper place to sit and glare at you.
17. A mermaid sequin pillow case that reveals a national treasure when they pet it.
18. Fifty Shades of Chicken — a punishingly good cookbook for sultry poultry lovers.
19. A jar of dill dough, because that's what they wanted right? Dill dough?
20. And a dill-icious looking pickle jar necklace to match.
22. Or a pair of Fundies for the couple that likes to be as close as possible.
23. A somewhat aggressive candle sure to make them think of you (and maybe furtively glance around the house) every time they light it.
24. The Story of Life — an informative illustrated explainer by Chris (Simpsons artist) on everything they need to know about the world.
25. A toast-shaped crossbody purse to give to the loaf of your life.
26. A pack of cards touting expert advice from the "World's Most Celebrated Felines."
27. A one-pound bag of cereal marshmallows that'll save them the trouble of picking out all the non-charms from their Lucky Charms.
28. Blobfish slippers to match their dour outlook on Valentine's Day.
29. And an eggplant bar soap with a strong resemblance to your favorite emoji to send them. 🍆❤️
Happy Valentine's Day to you and your...special someone.
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