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1. A faux collar so you can curse people out in the fanciest way possible.
Get it from CollarMePrettyCo on Etsy for $38.15.
2. A pack of abusive balloons that are honestly perfect for any occasion.
3. A sassy mug with enough to say for the both of you.
4. An explicit coloring book for when you need to relax THIS SECOND.
Promising review: "This book is amazing! I received it as a gift because I had to have knee surgery and was going to be laid up for a while! Made my day!" —Jacob Phillip Long I
Get it from Amazon for $5.99.
5. A pair of socks that send a stern warning to all those who might annoy you today.
Promising review: "Bought a few pairs of these sassy socks for my 19-year-old daughter. I put them in her Christmas stocking. Not only were they a hit, minutes after she uncurled them, she was lining them up and taking a pic to text to her friends, lol. What kind of cool yet hilarious mom gifts these sassy socks to their kid? Me, that’s who!" —TheXRAYest
Get them from Amazon for $9.99 (also available in 12 other designs).
6. RuPaul’s Drag Race–inspired notebooks with words of wisdom that everyone can benefit from.
7. A bowling shirt that has you ~pinned~.
Get it from Valfre for $64 (available in sizes XS–XXL).
8. A satin robe sure to help you finally unwind, once everyone gets the message.
Get it from Sugarbones for $49.
9. A book of rude hand gestures from around the world so you can silently curse people out no matter where you are.
10. A glittery banner that sternly (but fairly) reminds everyone to GTFO by midnight.
Get it from Gaypartysupply on Etsy for $13.50 (available in 11 colors).
11. A surprise mug you can tilt back when you want to say "fuck you" but also need more coffee.
12. A cropped sweater for anyone who thinks plastic bags are way too upbeat.
Get it from Valfre for $68 (available in sizes XS–XXL).
13. A custom beret that can say any mean or dismissive phrase you want.
Get it from WildflowerandCompany on Etsy for $34 (available in three beret colors and 14 thread colors).
14. A graphic tee wishing everyone could just leave or turn into cats.
Get it from Torrid for $24.67 (available in plus sizes 0–5).
15. A notepad you can fill out and hand to anyone pissing you off today.
It comes with 50 sheets so you can really vent.
Get it from Amazon for $6.33 (also available in 16 other styles).
16. A baseball hat that finishes the conversation when you turn away.
Get it from Amazon for $9.99.
17. An umbrella for flipping the bird to the birds, but also mostly to the rain.
18. A pennant flag enamel pin that offers encouragement or admonishment, depending on who's reading it.
Get it from lostlustsupply on Etsy for $8.50.
19. A doormat with an ambigram that says "come in" or "go away" depending on your mood.
Promising review: "I love this clever little mat. I gave it as a housewarming gift, and once everyone figured out the little upside-down trick, we all had a great laugh. Everyone enjoyed the gift. It's also a thick and substantial, although maybe a little too thick. I have tripped over it a couple times. But other than that, I would recommend this product." —Tina B.
Get it from Amazon for $31.12.
20. Middle finger earrings so you can flip everyone off all day without straining your hands.
Promising review: "These are AWESOME and they don't turn your ears green! I have worn these every day for months, never taking them out and they have NEVER caused me any problems, they have never lost color or shine." —Family of five
Get two pairs from Amazon for $8.29.
21. A graphic tee revealing your true nature and hopefully getting you out of small talk.
Get it from Torrid for $26.17 (available in plus sizes 00–5).
22. A sparkly embroidered patch that's just eye-catching enough to work.
Get it from Ankit for $14.99.
23. A pack of calling cards you can hand out to anyone who's annoying you.
Get a pack of 25 from Wildfang for $12.
24. A pair of tights to wear on days you don't even have the energy to tell people off.
25. A pastel key hook that will be the ~key~ to your solitude.
Get it from Urban Outfitters for $18.
26. A roll of middle finger washi tape for the most aggressive scrapbooking ever.
Get it from JulieAnnArt on Etsy for $4.50 or Amazon for $7.
27. A snarky beanie that gets everything sorted out before anyone has time to speak.
Get it from Jac Vanek for $24.
28. A uterus decal for your car or laptop when everyone is just ~cramping~ your style.
I realize that decal is now directed at me for making that pun.
Get it from Amazon for $4.98.
29. A really fucking cheery mug that lets everyone know how you feel.
Get it from Jac Vanek for $14.
30. Racket vibration dampeners — just because you're vibrating with rage doesn't mean your racket has to.
Promising review: "This dampener is easy to get on and fits snugly. I've only used for one match but it locked onto strings and didn't slide after a mishit. A great way to let off a little steam when your opponent is taking the match too seriously." —thebabydoc
Get two from Amazon for $7.99 (available in six colors; also available in five packs).
31. And a striped muscle tank with a flower that reflects how you feel inside: "touch me, and I will bite you."
Get it from Wildfang for $40.
Maybe it's Maybelline, maybe it's go the hell away.
Reviews have been edited for length and/or clarity.
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