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58 Thoughts Everyone Has Watching "The X Factor"

What is with Simon's bootcut jeans?

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1. Oh, The X Factor again, same old thing every year.

2. Every. Single. Year. The apocalypse could come and go and The X Factor would still be on TV. It will outlive us all.

3. Ugh, it’s the worst. Vulnerable people seeking validation, brutally humiliated on national TV. It’s a theatre of cruelty.

4. Oh wait, let’s just hear her.

5. ARGH, SHE’S AMAZING. I’ve got goosebumps!! Put her through, put her through!

6. Yay! Shit, I love The X Factor, why do I always forget?

7. Oh no, this one’s going to be bad.

8. He has weird hair and talks too fast.

9. He’s going to be one of the really bad ones.

10. Or maybe he’ll be the new Susan Boyle!

11. No he’s just bad.

12. He’s really bad.

13. This isn’t even funny.

14. He’s faking it, he’s probably a stand-up comedian.

15. I can’t watch any more.

16. Ugh, adverts, noooo.

17. What are we doing? Why are we watching The X Factor AGAIN? Why are we watching these adverts? We should be reading books, we should be watching an enriching documentary.

18. Let’s change over and watch this documentary about the Battle of Hastings.

19. Oh wait, it’s back, let’s just watch this one girl.

20. She’s beautiful, she’ll be a good singer.

21. Fuck, she’s amazing.

22. Kind of predictable though. She’ll probably get knocked out at Judges' Houses.

23. Oh no! This guy!

24. He’s like a wannabe Olly Murs.

25. Take the hat off.

26. Omg I’m cringing.

27. He’s flat! He’s totally flat.

28. What the fuck? They like him.

29. Louis, what are you talking about, he was shite.

30. They only like him because he looks like Olly Murs.

31. This whole thing is shite.

32. Why are all the judges aging in reverse?

33. Except Simon, who's stuck in the '00s – what is with the bootcut jeans?

34. Ahhh, look at this guy, he’s going to be good.

35. Look at his pudding bowl haircut and bad glasses!

36. Ahhhhh, he’s too cute.

37. I love him. He'd better be good, he’s so sweet.

38. I want him to win.

39. His voice!

40. Omg. He’s an angel.

41. Ooooof, that was a bit flat.

42. But he’s just nervous, he’s still amazing.

43 What???? Simon didn’t like him. Simon, you fool!

44. No, Louis. No, Sharon, no. He’s great! He’s just raw.

45. Oh god, he’s going to be sent home.

46. This will destroy him.

47. I can’t watch.

48. This is too sad.

49. Why is life so cruel?

50. I hate everything.

51. I’m never watching X Factor again.

52. Oh wait, this woman’s going to be good.

53. They’re building her up. She’s been caring for her sick husband for years and never got a chance to sing. Help, I love her, she’s like a lovely cosy nan.

54. She is so precious and pure.

55. ARGH, HER VOICE. HER VOICE IS THE MOST INCREDIBLE THING I’VE EVER HEARD. HELP. HELP ME. I WANT TO LISTEN TO HER SING FOREVER.

56. She’s the new Adele, but the pensioner version.

57. They’re all crying! I’m crying, you’re crying, everyone’s crying.

58. *Wiping away tears and snot* I love this stupid show. Oh man.

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