5 (Of An Infinite Amount Of) Reasons Cushing Is The Greatest Partner Since Cagney Met Lacy

Have you ever wondered why Cushing is so great? How he is always the life of the meeting? Why, despite his impromptu singing, he's irresistible? And, finally, why Brandon is madly and fearfully in love with this exquisite man? Well, the answers are finally here. At least some of them.

The picture must be in black and white, lest the unlimited handsomeness and immeasurable charm overload the buzzfeed servers.

5. The Undeniable Aura of Supreme Experience

It is perhaps the greatest misfortune of history that the Buddha did not have the opportunity to meet with Cushing or that the ancient Greeks did not gain from his vast resource of experience. Historians today are unified in their opinion that human history is filled with war and strife due to the absence of leaders seeking council with Cushing. With his ability to extract and relay valuable data from his humble origins and life experiences, there are none who do not take notice of, and if willing, grow from the mere presence of this principled existence. Hardened and forged by meditation and prayer, his words, spoken softly, are louder than the largest trumpet and more powerful than a hydrogen bomb. It is no wonder so many sit at the feet of this man, calling and asking him incessantly that he may share some story or fact, and it is no surprise as to how many have been changed by a simple phrase or utterance. His perspective, in a sea of countless false opinions and ideas, holds true. Is it any wonder, Brandon, for that matter, anyone, would not wish to be close to this sage, to experience his majesty, and hopefully share a step or two in his glorious journey?

4. The Charm of a 1000 Devils

Documentaries like "Bedazzled" and have shown just how charming the devil can be. In fact, historical evidence of the devil's ability to charm others has existed since the inception of time, which, as all good Christians know, was exactly 4000 years ago. German historical events, such as Faust, have also become important milestones in the understanding of the devil's, well, "devilish" influence. But few know the truth of the devil's power. It is a simple, indisputable fact that the devil steals all his lines from Cushing. Neither God nor his fall from the Heaven's after stealing God's chicken salad from the work refrigerator infuriate him so much as the one mortal whom he is always behind. He knows, deep within that gnarled root of a heart, that even if he was on high once more, he'd still be a seat below the best. It is now speculated by Political Science majors that "Dude.. what if Trump is his way of venting is anger?" The connection between Trump and the Devil, is, of course already well established. The NSA nanobots have already scanned his brain and declassified this information. And yet, for all the trouble in the world, what with the nanobots and the fact that the dinosaurs were all an elaborate hoax, a mere smile from the lips of Cushing puts to ease all ills and for all the Devil's poison, he cannot compare with the tonic of this man's soft, loving expression.

3. The Patience of Cushing

Records state that many of the bishops were disturbed during the first Council of Nicaea when they decided to remain the real-life figure of Cushing to Job. The argument was so heated that the Hilton had to ask its clients to stop yelling and throwing items, or they'd have to make the bible down the street at the Clarion. In the end, humanity was simply not ready to bear witness to the awe-inspiring tales of Cushing's patience nor deal with an extra syllable in what was becoming an "already way too fucking long text" - Constantine 325 AD. And so Job replaced Cushing, but this, of course, was not the end of the transgressions against him that day. The story of his saintly patience, so filled with humility, was deemed too unbelievable. Early Bishops thought this may be the deal breaker in their text if such a vision of perfection had actually existed. Unlike "Job", never did he seek to confront God because of his misfortunes. He had too long put up with the Devil's resentful and jealous actions at this point for the trifles he endured to be of any bother. So, as misfortune piled upon Cushing in these dark times which were later no longer even relegated to him, Cushing nodded his head and kept one foot in front of the other. It is said, however, that he did not slow his pace with the optimistic hope that one day the rest of humanity might catch up.

2. The oceans of the earth could not hold the generosity of his soul

What adjective or adverb that describes the great tsunamis of this world or the magnificent rivers that carve the more splendid canyons could not be used to describe the generosity of Cushing? The answer is simple: None. The overwhelming force of the gigantic tsunami pales in comparisons to the even the gift of his presence. The majestic colors of the canyon sediment patiently and beautifully carved by the timeless river is a trifle before the simplest of his helpful actions. Nay, there is nothing with which to compare. When one comes to know him they know in the next moment the pity owed to the poet who will never capture him, and Brandon, who will never be able to explain, with sufficiency, his love for such a divine creature. And still he gives, beyond fullness and comparison, and so does the heart of his beloved overflow with the desire to receive.

1. Look! HE'S SUCH A CUTIE-PIE!