Hello there from behind the curtain of a week-long sickness! As many of you deal with I am sure, I am coping and recovering from being sick on the way back from an absolutely beautiful vay-cay. So after spending the week with my lovely sister and now brother during their wedding week in the tropical paradise of the Dominican Republic, I had been cursed with the most horrible sore throat and clogged up face the whole travel back to the good ole' US of A.
I am talking major pain here people, feel it with these hard-core adjectives! I am on a plane for endless, countless, ongoing hours with a throat that must resemble the scratched surfaces of a cat's play structure, lit on fire, then thrown in a freezer and then taken out to be hacked with a high-power saw on the inside. Yes, it was literally (not literally, but close), SO MUCH FREAKING PAIN!!! So on the way to recovery with this muck, I decided to jot down a few notes about what I hate most about being sick and why. My suffering is now your amusement... please enjoy!
1. That thick, gross, yellowish-green snot, phlegm, whatever-it-is. I mean seriously, how does it become so gelatinous and difficult to get out? And where does it continue to come from? Make it stahhpppp! Can I also say (don't continue reading if you get easily grossed out), I hate it even more when it is too thick and heavy, much like in the game of Don't Break the Ice, and it comes out onto your hand because the tissue cannot hold it. UGGGHHHH!!!!!! And Ewwwyyy McEwwerrrson!!
2. When you have to go to the bathroom like super, duper, uber bad because you have been too busy with other things and have not taken two seconds to go and all the sudden that's when your throat decides you need some moisture and you start having a MAJOR, non-stop cough attack. Yeah, it is not funny when you have to go to the bathroom and you barely make it there by walking cross-legged to the stalls to ensure you don't completely obliterate your dignity at work by wetting your pants like a toddler. Everyone is already looking at you, don't let them see you at your even worst moment of vulnerability by peeing your pants. It is not worth it, bro!
3. Having a man voice or no voice at all. So you have already coughed your throat off and then your voice decides you need to go down steroid-taker's street. People look frightened when they realize it is you coming around the corner and your loved ones look at you as though they already see you as the opposite sex. My voice is just on strike, I swear I will be back to unicorn Barbie princess in no time.... I hope! Please stop looking at me with fearful pity.
4. Your tea temperature is NEVER right. You boil the water because that is what your throat needs to be soothed. So you baby the water, get the tea bag and let it steep with all the other magical potion ingredients like honey and lemon and softly blow to let it cool or set it aside and before you know it the freaking tea is already not hot enough. Is there any way we can get it somewhere between burn your taste buds off for life and cold bathwater? It is so much work and I just want my soothing tea to take me back to the DR.
5. In the morning, you taste the gross flavor in your mouth. You know the nighttime cold medicine is always horrible so you have that mixed with the other gunk and your breathing issues. No wonder people hide themselves in a cocoon while they are the slimy, stinky caterpillars until they are ready to emerge as a normal, not fire breath-breathing, butterfly. Not all the mouthwash in the world can save you now!
6. Eating the same thing day in and day out for every single meal. There's only so much soup the body can take before it wants to start the next revolution because you get to the point of what is there to live for anymore? It certainly can't be soup.... again!! Don't get me wrong, I am very lucky that my husband always makes me delicious soup when I am sick that always helps me get better, I just still secretly want pizza and wine, even though I can't have it. Why God, WHYYYYY?!?!?!?
7. Thinking, in general, is basically impossible. I know life goes on and the world does not stop spinning, but come on people. I have barely enough functionality to use the bathroom correctly. I am setting humans back to the very first computer with my sickly capabilities. Please, Mother of Pearl, yes or no questions to the sick only! Don't even waste your time with anything else unless frustration is your only goal for the day.
8. People look at you with pure and utter disgust. Yes, I know I am sick and am carrying around the black death on my skin, breath and everything I touch! I am doing my best here to contain it, but after several days sleeping and sitting in bed you, too, would just try to do the normal routine to feel human again, only human again (any Beauty & the Beast lovers out there?). Each time you cough, sneeze, blow your nose you see the many pairs of eyes on you wishing you would just go away. Let me tell you that just plain hurts- well, not really too bad for me. I mean I totally get it and Clorox all surfaces when the sicknesses are permeating the air around me so, please feel free to do the same. Just know I cannot help it, okay!
9. Adulting. I CANNOT DO IT TODAY, BUDDY. They call them chores on a normal day because they are no fun. I know you don't run home to clean laundry, put things away, do dishes or make dinner but imagine getting aboard this struggle-bus when you are sick. You don't want to do anything and I have often found myself just staring at things hoping they will just be done if I stare at them long enough. There should be some fairy that will come along when you can't adult anymore. I don't need the tooth fairy or any of that nonsense, I need an I-Can't-Adult-Today-Fairy. Where is she at and when can she help get me caught up on chores so I don't have a backlog of that on top of the umpteen other things I missed while in my sickness black hole?
10. The best for last... most hated thing while being sick is when people tell you how bad you look. So you feel bad, are barely functioning, can't adult, have bad breath to wake you like an evil song bird and have almost wet yourself while coughing and then people have the nerve to tell you how bad you look. Well no duh! I feel like crap, so of course I am bound to look like it, too. As a woman growing up in this society with all the pressures of the world on my back, please believe me I have already been hard on myself for my appearances and certainly am aware when I have bags under my eyes or jacked up hair! Just let me be, okay. Again, I am functioning with first generation computer analytical skills- slow and almost useless. I will regain function upon reboot soon. Until then, please resist the urge to even let the words fall from your open lips. Just don't. DO NOT!!!
I hope you have enjoyed the fun notes I have taken this week while in pain, distress and shear loser-dom at various stages. I, as I am getting better, do find them quite hilarious! However, during many of these moments I was one stitch away from completely losing it... that might have also been the weakened immune system talking as well. At least there were no "explosive" moments during this sickness, especially while travelling back, this time to report! PHEWWW!!!
I'd love to hear your most hilarious and funny things that you hate about being sick if you wouldn't mind sharing with me below! Take care and I catch up with you soon (I promise to stop hacking up a lung by then!).