1. The Scientific Perspective
Online dating is definitely a trend that has popped up recently. Of course, the internet has also become much more popular in recent years, and the internet is rather necessary for online dating to take place, wouldn’t you say? However, even in the 21st century, the recent increase in its prominence is pretty interesting. Perhaps this is because I have more exposure to it being of the age now where these apps are relevant to me, but they are also more accessible to younger audiences as well. For a while, the main online dating services of which one would typically think were those such as eHarmony, match.com, and OKCupid, which were generally marketed more towards people in their late 20s and older who were looking for serious things. However, now with the introduction of apps such as HotOrNot, Grindr, and the ever-popular Tinder, these online dating apps are more a part of our culture. And it’s undeniable -- 10 million people use Tinder every day -- that these apps, which most people think were designed for hookups -- 51.5% of surveyees thought it was why most people joined -- have overtaken those other sites in terms of popularity (Seidman, 2017).
59 percent of U.S. adults thought online dating was a great way to meet people in 2015, compared to 44 percent in 2005. Additionally, the percentage of adults who thought online dating is desperate went down from 29 percent in 2005 to 23 percent in 2015 (Pew Research Center or Smith & Anderson, 2016). But certainly onlookers who maybe have never used online dating before are not the most reliable source on its effectiveness. Definitely not all of the people surveyed by the Pew in that study are experts, as only 15% of adults in the U.S. have used online dating before (Pew). Now, it is fairly hard to make any surefire conclusions about whether meeting someone online before dating them has a significant effect, positive or negative, on the quality of one’s relationship, because you can’t decipher causation from past results, due to lurking variables.
2. A Case Study by Aziz Ansari
Some people get stressed out by online dating sites, such as some people described in the focus group Aziz Ansari attended in his book, Modern Romance. For example, he talks about a pair of young Indian fellows who live in L.A., Arpan and Dinesh. Arpan is a fairly attractive, seemingly confident guy who uses online dating, whereas Dinesh is a less attractive, seemingly less confident man who prefers actual dating. One might assume Arpan has had more success, but the opposite is actually true. Ansari even describes how Arpan would “slouch down and spin tales like a weary war veteran” at “the very mention” of dating, whereas Dinesh seemed very happy and thought it was “fun and interesting to meet new people, and if [he] meets people in person, they’re more willing to open their schedules. [He] is too.” (Ansari 94-95). Now, this seems counter-intuitive, because one might think that online dating should reduce stress because it is easier than trying to meet people in real life and asking them out for fear of being rejected to your face. However, if one thinks about it scientifically, it makes sense. For example, I would probably be much more nervous to go on the first date with someone I had never met before than someone I had met at a party or in a class, for example. This is not even mentioning the stress that can come from worrying if the person is real or not, which is an idea also discussed in the book, but with a humorous tone, about Ansari’s possible Indian stalker he might have met online. But it is a real concern about whether or not someone lied on their profile, as one study conducted by OpinionMatters showed that 53% of US participants lied on their profile, with over 20% of women posting pictures of their younger selves. While true love should obviously be based on more than looks, with statistics like that, it is still no surprise that people who use these dating sites are more stressed about dating than those who do all dating things in person and know what they’re getting into right off the bat.
3. My Perspective
I guess now is a good time to talk about my personal experience with online dating versus in-person dating. I should probably preface this with the fact that I have only really had one girlfriend or partner in my life, and I met her in real life. I should also say that I kind of got lucky with her, as she was incredibly into me, and all I did was act myself and she did the rest. In fact, she made every move on me up to and including the first kiss. However, I have had dates with many more girls/women than just her in my life. I should say that each of these were met in person, so perhaps I don’t have good experience in online dating, but I can at least speak how it feels while swiping on women in Tinder and not receiving matches. It doesn’t feel good. This much is obvious, but it feels worse than being rejected in real life, because if you asked someone you like out, then at least you can feel good about that, but if you were not even given a chance and just got swiped left on, then there’s not much to feel good about. Additionally, it leaves it up to question, because maybe the person just has not seen you yet, and the suspense can eat you up inside. At least if you ask somebody out in person, you know the answer right away and there is no mystery about it. However, one good thing about Tinder and other dating apps over real life is that there are many many people out there after whom you can go. In real life, on the other hand, if you get rejected by one, it may be a very long time before you meet someone else whom you feel like asking out. I will offer one example from my Tinder experience that may be used as evidence here. I had been talking to this girl I met on Tinder (we’ll call her Angela out of anonymity) since the second week of June. Angela and I had been mainly chatting on Snapchat, and we had achieved a Snap streak of 27, which means that we had sent Snapchats to each other for 27 straight days. However, we had not gone out yet because she lives in Ocala, and the one weekend we could have gone out before my break between semesters of school she was sick. Then there was break, so we could not go out that week. And on Wednesday of the first week back at school, I met this girl (we’ll call her Laura for anonymity) who made me feel really weird in a good way just when I talked to her. However, I kept talking to Angela because I wanted to keep that option open. The Thursday of the next week, I asked Laura out to dinner that Saturday, and she said yes (she even agreed to call it a date, which had been a problem with a girl I had gone out with in my first semester at school). Therefore, I became decreasingly interested in Angela, and we stopped talking on Saturday, when I did not respond to one of her snaps. We had talked for almost 4 weeks straight, and had not gone out once. With Laura, on the other hand, I had just known her for about a week and I already felt a stronger connection with her than I did with Angela. Long story short, I have still not reached out to Angela, and I’m in a very weird place with Laura (we have been trying to go out again, but I’m not really sure what she wants; I’m not sure what I want either.) My point from this anecdote is that with people you meet online, you can end it basically before you go on a date and there is largely no harm, because you have not met them in person. However, with in-person dating, you have already met and known them, and trying to end it can be dangerous. Therefore, having a stronger connection with people you meet face-to-face can be a double-edged sword.
4. My Tinder Profile
5. Final Words
Before I conclude this with your typical moral, Aesop style (you know, where we all gather around, hold hands, and sing about how "Slow and Steady Wins the Race"™ or "Honesty is the Best Policy"™), I want to add one more idea about why I don't really like Tinder that much. Well, let me take you back to June (or October, when I used it for the very first time.) I would be sitting there and swiping on girls, and besides the fact that I would not get many matches, I would just not enjoy it. This is because I found it rather shallow to just reduce these people to faces (and occasionally boobs and butts). Like, there are personalities behind these profiles and I'm ignoring them in favor of conquering the flesh. Now, you're probably thinking, "why don't you use the other dating sites out there, like OKCupid or eHarmony"? Well, I think I explained this in my scientific perspective, but I feel that those sites are not marketed towards me, and therefore it is not as accessible. Tinder is much more available and seemingly usable. But regardless, I feel that I have said enough from my own perspective.
In conclusion, whether you should date online or in-person really depends on you; be cautious before you try online dating, because you may be setting yourself up for a long-distance relationship. Again, that may be something in which you are interested, in which case you should definitely give online dating a try. Also, if you are very desperate and are tired of looking for the right one and just want somebody to be intimate with, online dating is also a great option. However, don’t simplify it more than you need to, as it is a complex issue.
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