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5 Ways To Deny Reality By Using "Alternative Facts" As A Coping Mechanism

Kellyanne Conway—soulless witch, pivot connoisseur, and Counselor to The President—recently blessed us with the phrase "alternative facts" (lies), so I've assembled a list of five ways you can utilize "alternative facts" as a means of survival.

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1. At the supermarket


You're wandering around Whole Foods with a charcoal juice and a quinoa concoction you'll never eat. As you approach the register, reality hits: you're not going to be able to afford the highly unnecessary items inside your shopping cart.

"It'll be $649.32," says the cashier.

You swipe your card as sweat drips down your forehead and into the chip reader.

"Looks like it was declined." (This is where you act surprised, even though you know very well there's $15 on there.)

"Alternative fact."

2. In your therapist's office


You're sitting in the big comfy chair, talking about the time your mom left you in the car "by accident" outside of a Target when you were seven.

He's scribbling in his notepad, and you know the truth is coming whether or not you're emotionally stable enough to hear it.

"Dr. Weinburg, with all due respect, I do not have severe attachment issues. Gonna have to go with the alternative fact on that highly accurate diagnosis."

3. When your car runs out of gas


The car stalled in the middle of a busy highway. The gas light is violently blinking. The ticker in the dashboard is pointing to a giant "E".

No way did you not fill the car up with gas because you were lazy and didn't feel like driving 0.2 miles in the other direction. Nope.

The car is just taking an alternative nap.

4. When the door person at the club tells you you're not on the guest list for the SNL after party

Oliver Skrabl / Getty Images / Via

Your message to Aziz Ansari's Facebook page begging him to add you to the guest list for the Saturday Night Live after party was never read by his publicist.

No biggie. Approach the person at the door of the venue with the confidence of Kellyanne Conway going into a CNN interview.

"Sorry, your name's not on the list. Can you text him to come outside?"

"That's an alternative fact."

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