1.
"i just want to go home" said the astronaut. "so come home" said ground control. ‘‘ｓｏ ｃｏｍｅ ｈｏｍｅ’’ said the voice from the stars.
2.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him ME: ok [drives to hospital] ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
3.
*points to dad* OMG DAD UR SO GAY *poimt to othre dad* DUDE UR SO GAY TOO *hugs my two gay dads* i realy realy love u guys
4.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we're all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
5.
superbowl 2015: haha left shark superbowl 2016: wats coldplay doin here superbowl 2017: so this is it. the last superbowl of the free world
6.
me: goodnight moon :) moon: night<3 me: goodnight stars :) moon: wtf me: sry wrongnumber moon: whos stars moon: who is stars moon: answer me
7.
first rule of fight club is no fightig. welcom to contradicton club evryone hav a seat adn dont hav a seat. also this isnt contradicton club
8.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
9.
[in nature] WATS THE WIFI PASWORD OUT HERE [birds chirp] [wind rustles the leaves] [sunlight glimers off the lake] … IS THAT ALL ONE WORD
10.
sim city is the perfect metaphor for life bc u hav no idea what ur doing yet peopel keep givimg u more and more complicated jobs until u die
11.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
12.
*clears throat* *crowd gets quiet* a baloon is what hapens wheb a bowlimg ball dies. baloon is a ghost bowlimg ball, thamk u
13.
of course the nba is rigged theres no possible way to shoot a ball into the hole from that far away trust me i hav tried 10 times
14.
CLOUD: wow im honored, no one ever flies up here to visit me up in the sky HELICOPTER: well im a gigantic fan
15.
grampa: i was sent to war when ur mother was a baby. i didnt kno if i'd see her again me: noo my uber stopped on the other side of the road
16.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
17.
falling in love is like having spent your entire life reading a thesaurus and someone hands you a dictionary
18.
BEING in love is like having spent your entire life reading a dictionary and someone starts handing you stories
19.
SCIENTISTS FROM THE 7 NEWLY DISCOVERED HABITABLE PLANETS: we just discovered a single habitable planet caled 'earth' thats full of idiots
20.
early humans discover crying: "we must be carryimg the ocean inside of us" one whispres. "then we must be gentle with it" whispers another
21.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
22.
my life can be sumed up as the end credits of snl where evreyone hugging and i am the camera man
23.
i hav cat-like reflexes "prove it" *looks at a cat* (instantly) i like that cat
24.
hello 911? yes ok so when i turn off my lights wat hapens to my shadow like does it disapear or does it fill up the entire room
25.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
26.
ME: wats that baby thinkig BABY: [crying] my bones lengthen & my organs expand evermore whilst my skin stretches like canvas to contain them
27.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was "cool. that bird makes more money than me"
28.
maybe babys cry bc theyve realized their potential for greatness decreases w/ each passing secomd until they die an old soul w/ lost dreams
29.
as a child i asked my dad why the moon looks really really big sometimes and he said "simulations always have bugs" and i havent slept since
30.
if i could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, i would. i am very lonely
31.
this is ur captain. we landed fine but im gona stall us on the runway for 15 min bc i didnt hear ANYONE applaud when i landed the damn plane
32.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
*pets jomny sun on the head* ur a treasurb of the internet. never chamge
My roommate doesn't have a Twitter, but she was so inspired by the @jonnysun astronaut tweet that she painted this… https://t.co/idzB9tvclt
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