1. "If I close my eyes tight enough, it's almost like I'm not actually wearing this goddamned neon neck pillow."
2. "I think my kaleidoscope may be broken."
3. "Now everyone knows I'm a seasoned traveler."
4. "I'd tap that."
5. *Googles* "Are turtlenecks supposed to cover your chest?"
6. "Who needs a boyfriend anyway?"
7. "Goddamnit, this isn't the fucking pantry either."
8. "And they said tricycles were for children. TELL THAT TO MY GLUTES."
9. *hums softly* "I'm starting with the man in the mirror."
10. "The only thing I hate more than walls are my fucking New Balances."
11. "I'm glad I splurged on the couch with the tassels — it really makes the couch."
12. "Maybe I should have just gone to the gym."
13. "Hehehe, I'm a Ninja Turtle."
14. "FML."
15. "Note to self: Next time, just buy the bigger pillow."
16. "One day I'm going to write an HBO show called Girls and then we'll see who has the last laugh."
17. "I'm so glad I don't have to stretch like a normal fucking person."
18. Cat: "I'm glad someone finally realized how talented I am." Dog: "SQUIRREL!"
19. "Be honest with me, I look fat, don't I?"
20. "Now I can finally leave my wife."
Actual product name: "Flair Hair Visor" — $19.99
21. "I am going to die alone."
22. "I totally just farted."
23. "Ask me if your laundry is done one more time. I will cut a bitch."
24. "You think I'm senile?! You just spent $13 on a fucking napkin."
