Work Excuses Outlander Season 3 Taught Me

From goats to coconuts to time travel, Outlander Season 3 gifted us some creative excuses to use in our real lives. Here are my favorite work excuses.

1. My goats need grass.

Outlander Cast / Via media.giphy.com

Anyone can use their child as a bonafide reason to leave the office early or take a sick day, but it takes real chutzpah to play the livestock well-being card. I recommend scrambling around in a frenzied manner grabbing your keys and whatnot so as to emphasize the “real” emergency in play.  

2. The blazing shits.

Outlander Cast / Via media.giphy.com

The best calling out sick excuse EVER. Because—as I’ve long proclaimed as one of my unfailing life mottos—no one asks follow-up questions after hearing the word “diarrhea.” NO ONE. Instead, you’ll likely be met with a few stutters and stammers and an uncomfortable “okay, we’ll see you next week.”

3. Richmond. Ah, Richmond.

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When your employee requests vacation time at the worst possible time of year and you’re not certain that “you’ve got to be out of your GD mind” will pass the HR test, recommend some C-list options for where they could take that PTO. While Claire suggested Richmond, feel free to swap out with any city you find least appealing.

4. God's tooth, it's not even noon.

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Pretty much a default reply for anything expected of you between the hours of 9 a.m. and 11:59 a.m., this one leaves the recipient pondering the time period in which that barb originated, and possibly blanking all together on the reason they even approached you. Either way, you’re in the clear.

5. The last 20 years.

Outlander Cast / Via media.giphy.com

This one works well in establishing a time alibi when a project implodes, there’s a mess to clean up and the muckety mucks come to you to inquire about what happened and who’s to blame. Extra points for anyone born after 1995 with the gall to use this one.

6. I will consult with Coco.

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When you’re googling Outlander or writing a blog post about it while in a meeting and then hear your name but have no idea why or what to say. Not only does it sound boss, but it’ll buy you at least a full business day to get it together. Best used on conference calls.

7. Do it now and don’t be gentle.

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When someone above your pay grade calls you into his/her office and doesn’t spit out why you’ve been summoned within the first five seconds of entry. Hey, we’re all busy—get there quicker. For extra effect, deliver while standing up in front of their desk.

8. Shoveling shit.

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This is for that moment when you think your head will explode if that annoying coworker asks you one more time what you’re doing. Also, this might be my new favorite answer to the cliched question often asked, “what does your typical work day entail?”

9. Cigarettes and flop sweat.

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When members of a certain sex opt not to follow basic directional signage and need to know where the bathroom is. Or, the board meeting. Or the closest place to grab a sandwich. Really, this fits a multitude of scenarios.

10. Let me be.

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When someone dares to appear at your desk needing something before your first cup of coffee has fully gone down the hatch. Actually, make that two. Make sure you go full breathless Jamie on them for maximum effect.

11. Late, aye?

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You might use this one any time you bust your ever-loving arse to get to work on time and your boss strolls in late, all casual AF and you know that you should probably dust off that verbal filter of yours and employ it here. Fortify your effort by tossing in a trusty Marsali eye-roll.

12. I am not a gentlewoman.

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This is for the men in the office who feel the need to apologize either before or after swearing, lest the ladies in the room clutch their pearls before bursting into flames. It’s 2018, and if Outlander has taught us anything, it’s the therapeutic powers of a good JHRC or other Claire-ism without shame or regret.  

13. That amount of time doesn’t exist.

Outlander Cast / Via outlandercast.com

Try this in reply to any status update requests. As in, how much time I might need to prepare for the staff meeting that I don’t want to have or to draft that 10,000-word piece of content on something that isn’t Outlander-related. Best delivered with a measured, non-frantic voice, though opt for a breathy delivery in extreme instances. Own it.