The 9 People In Every Pickup Basketball Game

It’s Saturday and you want to play basketball, but like most Americans you weren’t drafted to the NBA so it’s not that easy. You decide to head down to your local park when look who you run into. It’s the 9 people in every pickup basketball game. Wow. These 9 fellows. What are they doing here. I guess to play basketball probably.

1. Guy Who Just Watched His First Episode of Basketball

"How about that Cory last night, huh?"

Cory, huh? I think you mean Steven Curry. It's so obvious this guy watched his first episode of basketball last night and is trying to fit in. He doesn't even know the characters like LeBron or Kobe or the other guys. Probably hasn't even read the books.

2. Guy Who Won’t Stop Listening to Season 2 of Serial

The ball is checked. You cut backdoor for an easy 2 points. You call for the pass, but it never comes because this guy won’t stop listening to the second season of Sarah Koenig’s investigative journalism podcast.

You want to run the triangle offense, but he's 45 minutes into episode three of the podcast reviewers are calling, “An underwhelming return.”

Hitting a step back 3 would be nice, but he just wants to step back and retrace the footsteps of Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl, the subject of the sophomore slump season of Serial, hailed a “disappointment” by critics.

3. James Who Doesn't Know the Rules

Most people know that you have to dribble the ball, but not James Who Doesn’t Know the Rules. He doesn’t know the rules and consequentially is always breaking them. Why do we let James play with us. He’s very bad and has always ruined the game.

4. Racist Phil

Another guy we should probably stop playing with.

5. Guy Who Forgot Shorts and Is Also Wearing a Huge Puffy Snow Jacket

It’s 94 degrees out and this guy is not only wearing pants, but a large snow jacket to go along with it. I understand not having shorts, that would force you to wear the pants. The pants are easily explained.

But why is he still wearing the snow jacket? He could have easily just taken the jacket off. It’s too hot to wear a jacket.

Even if for some reason he had no shirt on under the jacket, I would have to imagine it’d be preferable to go shirtless than to wear the jacket. It’s so hot. Why wear the jacket. At least he's passing a lot.

6. Guy Who's Afraid There's a Tiny Person in the Ball

This guy refuses to dribble because if there's a tiny man in that ball, you'd be shaking him all around in there.

Shooting is out of the question because if a small adult resides in the ball, that's like picking up his home and just launching it.

There's no way to know for sure. Better not risk it.

7. Guy Who Covered His Hands in Glue and Now the Ball is Stuck to His Hands

Why did he cover his hands in glue before the game started. Everyone was tying their shoes and he started to lather gorilla glue into his palms. He said it was to keep his shot, "sticky," which is a weird thing to say. Either way, the game's over now.

8. Jew

9. Your Childhood Crush

You haven't seen her in 10 years, but you feel just as nervous as the day she moved in across the street. She's grown up, but everything that gave you butterflies before is still there. Same laugh, same smile, but her handles seem to not have improved at all.

You instantly pick up where you left off. School stories and jokes make 10 years go by in 10 minutes. She runs her fingers through her hair and looks away for a moment, then looks back to see if you're still watching. Of course you are. It'd be hard for anyone to look away, but wow it's especially hard for her to make wide open looks. She's 1/9 and the one she made was this wild two-handed hook that had no business going in. Totally gifted by the rim.

It's not infatuation or lust. It's more than a crush, so what is it? It'd be stupid to say love, but you've never felt as capable as you do around her. The confidence you've had trouble finding in the past drips off of you when you're around her. If only she had that same confidence because she just grabbed a rebound and passed out instead of going up strong for the layup. That's weak basketball.

She asks you to go for ice cream after the game ends, but a performance like that doesn't deserve treats. Time to put up 1,000 free throws and show her what actual respect for the game looks like. Her smile fades as she waits to see if you're really going to shoot for another two hours. Swish. You gather the ball and return to the stripe. Swish. Again. Swish. She turns. Swish. She's gone. Swi-, shit ok you missed that one.