10 Bestest Writing Tips Ever

So, you wanna be a super-successful writer, eh? These ten tips that every pro uses will knock your socks off. No hyperbole here, folks. You WILL become a successful writer from this list!

1) Repeatedly bang your forehead onto the desk.

catmaniac8x / Via orig12.deviantart.net

Let's be honest. Writing is more frustrating than a bear with no back trying to scratch against a tree. You sob loudly as you bang the keyboard, knowing that it's all crap until at least the twenty or thirtieth draft.

The best way to rattle out the best ideas is by repeatedly banging your head into the desk. Make sure the desk is made of solid oak. If it's that particle board crap, you'll just go through a lot of desks like you're the Dudley Boys. And that gets expensive for a writer who can only afford Chef Boyardee.

2) Deliver a judo chop to your writer's block!

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UGH! Writer's Block, am I right? It's the bane of every writer's existence. You bang your head into the desk until you get splinters, but it doesn't work!

So cut that block in half! What better way to do it than a resounding judo chop!

What's that? Judo doesn't have chops? Who's the super-pro writer here, pal? You think I didn't do my research? I did research! I did all the research! And let me tell you, friend, all the best Judoers can chop trees down in one blow! I know. Someone on the internet said so.

C) Consistency is overrated.

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Let's be honest. No reader gives a crap about your character's hair colour. I say change it every time you mention it. Make like Kung Pow: Enter the Fist's Master Pain (a.k.a.: Betty). You are a great magician! Their hair is blonde! No, brunette! Or teal! Don't even mention they're dying their hair. Just assume the reader doesn't give a crap about hair colour. Spoiler: They don't.

I mean, when Hollywood turns your book into a super-successful movie that you'll see little money from, it's not like some random studio exec will notice hair colours.

4) Dun't wary abut speling.

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Juging bi inturnet coments, no 1 wil now its rong. Sew wy botter, am i write?

5) Don't use chapters. At all.

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"Life doesn't happen in chapters — at least, not regular ones. Nor do movies. Homer didn't write in chapters. I can see what their purpose is in children's books ("I'll read to the end of the chapter, and then you must go to sleep") but I'm blessed if I know what function they serve in books for adults."

- Terry Pratchett (2008)

If chapters weren't good enough for Terry Pratchett, they're not good enough for anyone!

6) Double space everything!

There's an ongoing debate among fickle writing nerds. Do you double space after a period or not? Look, monospacing is for old fogies clacking away at typewriters with their index fingers. Live in the now, kid, live in the now! Besides, spacing in general has moved into the new millenium:

S t a r t w r i t i n g l i k e t h i s !

I t m a k e s y o u r w r i t i n g l o o k l o n g e r !

VII) Use Roman numerals. Roman numerals are cool.

Nick Piers

Now the Romans, they knew how to write! Virgil (not the wrestler)! Seneca! Augustus! Petronius (not the Harry Potter spell)! Homer! Wait, was Homer Roman or Greek? Eh, screw it, we'll say he was Roman.

They didn't bother with that fancy, modern numeral crap! 7 couldn't eat 9 because in Roman times, IX had an X in it. And if the film Logan taught me anything, you don't screw with an X-Man.

Plus, wrestling! WrestleMania X (see? another X!) is the greatest wrestling event of all time. Any WrestleMania that didn't use Roman numerals is inferior. That's not just fact. That's science.

8) Throw darts at agents or publishers.

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Okay, not literally throw darts at them. That comes later, during your first meeting with them (aim for the nose).

No, if you want to find the right publishing agent or book publishers, here's a step-by-step process.

Step I: Google "publishing agents" or "book publishers." One or the other. Not both at the same time. Select the first ten you see, no matter what they're asking for.

Step II: Print out the list and hang it on the wall. Use tape, not a thumbtack. Otherwise, the metallic penetration will confuse the list, lessening the impact of Step III.

Step III: Throw a dart at the list. For best results, I suggest Laserdart's Black Widow. Its slim barrel makes it easy to handle and its front weight means superior accuracy. When throwing, don't hold it like a regular dart. Throw it like a badass throws a big knife: hold it by the tip with your thumb and index finger. Bend your elbow firmly.

Step IV: This is important. Leave the dart for three hours. The list will decide if agent or publisher is the best choice. If the dart should fall from its place, then the list has deemed that agency or publisher unworthy. If so, throw again. Repeat until the list stops rejecting agencies or publishers.

9) Spam agencies/publishers with e-mails every hour on the hour.

All right, so you find your agent or publisher to shill 600-page epic that's Lord of the Rings meets Biker Mice From Mars (shit, that's a good idea. DIBS!).

But so many writers meet with rejections or worse, no replies at all.

The only way you'll get anyone's attention is by filling their inboxes with the same e-mail over and over. Change the header every time to get around their spam filter. And don't attach the same thing every time. Change it up with every e-mail: the first chapter, the first three chapters, the whole thing, a quick synopsis, a long synopsis, character bios, a back-cover description (with fake quotes from the best reviewers), a cover description, a mock-up cover using stick figures, nude sketches you commissioned from someone on DeviantArt.

In other words, keep them guessing on what they might when they open your fiftieth e-mail.

10) Headbutts at signings!

You've done it! Your post-apocalyptic epic with kingdoms of roaming anthropomorphic animals is a success! After all the concussions, after all the speiling mistacks, after all the judo chops, a f t e r a l l t h a t s p a c i n g , after ditching all those chapters, after all those Roman numerals, after all those holes in your wall, after all those angry e-mail replies and spam blockers, you've done it! YOU'RE A PUBLISHED WRITER. Take it all in, pal, because the real work begins now.

Shameless self-promotion. Shamelessly shilling your book is near impossible without sounding like a used car salesman.

And the hardest part: book signings. Smiling at everyone. Screaming inside when they curl their lip in disgust at your book's idea. Bookshop owners telling you to stop "marking your territory" next to Neil Gaiman's books. It's tough work, I tell you.

The hardest part is shaking everyone's hand and thanking them for being there. Politeness is for suckers. Is anyone going to say "Oh, you're welcome"! No! So why are you thanking them?

Show them where it all started. Give them a taste of the frustrations that bore the fruits of your work.

Surprise them with a MASSIVE HEADBUTT. The harder the better (sounds like my prom night)! I guarantee everyone will remember you after a good, solid skull fracture.

Well, assuming the concussion doesn't make them forget. But on the bright side, they might buy your book again because they forgot they had in the first place! That's twice the book sales and twice the headbutts!

In your face, James Patterson!