Hello, everyone. Do you remember Sean Lowe from The Bachelor?
Here's a reminder:
And another one:
Anyway, Sean gave his final rose to Catherine Giudici from the show, and now they are happily married with one ADORABLE child and a baby on the way.
Besides being a hot dad and another Bach alum with a million Instagram deals, he also has a pretty strong Twitter game (mostly about food and parenting).
Here's proof that Sean is in fact funny. Enjoy!
1.
Missed Bachelor? Here’s a recap of every episode ever: Her: I have a hard time opening up. Him: I’m different. Her: Okay, I’ll open up. Harrison: Take a moment, say your goodbyes. Her(crying in limo): I’ll die alone. Him (toasting other women): We’re going to Jamaica!
2.
Not only did I lift weights, do 30 minutes of cardio and track all of my macronutrients today, I also ate an entire bag of chips right before going to bed.
3.
Catherine was gone tonight and I considered ordering a pizza without her. But then I didn’t because I don’t want my kids to grow up without a father.
4.
I just hope the next bachelor is sincere. Someone who is truly ready to settle down and dedicate himself to Dancing with the Stars.
5.
Without marriage, how would men know when they’re wrong about everything?
6.
Sometimes when my wife is talking to me, my mind takes me elsewhere like football or cheeseburgers or that new freckle on my arm. Every once in a while she’ll ask me to repeat what she just said and it’s always an exhilarating high-stakes thrill to throw out my best guess.
7.
1/3 of your life is spent sleeping. I spend the other 2/3’s thinking about food.
8.
If you’re telling a story to someone and they say “that’s funny” without laughing or at least smiling when they say it, your story isn’t funny and they most likely just want you to shut up. I know because my wife used to say it to me. Now she just ignores me. Kind of miss it.
9.
I just told a woman that her infant daughter is adorable. Without smiling, she told me it was a boy. Catherine told me I’m not alowed to speak for the rest of the day.
10.
My favorite way to start the day is by waking up early, quietly sneaking into Samuel’s room and watching my sweet boy sleep peacefully. At which point I scream like a maniac and wake him up in a panic. Just my little way of paying him back for that year he did it to me.
11.
Catherine said I should wake up first and take care of Samuel because she’s pregnant and needs the extra sleep. Jokingly, I told her she should wake up first because I’ve been sore from working out lately. Not jokingly, she told me she’d kill me. I believe her.
12.
I received a fraud alert on my credit card because they thought spending $109 on cookie dough was “highly unusual”. I told them they should meet my highly unusual wife.
13.
I feel like dieting would be easier if you didn’t have to change the way you eat.
14.
If you’re getting burned out eating the same boring health food as part of your fitness regimen, try changing it up by eating cookie dough straight out of the package instead.
15.
Samuel and I are sitting here playing Legos. He connected a few pieces together and Catherine praised him as if he had just come up with the cure for cancer. Meanwhile, I’m over here building a beautiful skyscraper and she doesn’t even comment on it.
16.
Catherine told me her belly is making it hard to breathe, her back is sore and she can never get comfortable. I told her I can relate because I had too many enchiladas for dinner. Honestly think this may be the joke that ends it for me.
17.
Catherine and I just finished reading bedtime stories to Samuel in his room. As I was reading the books, he was sitting it Catherine’s lap, wearing his little onesie. It was one of those special moments that made me think about how much I miss going out on Friday nights.
18.
In case you were wondering what parenting a toddler is like... Samuel just walked into the bathroom while I was peeing and tried to grab my stream of urine.
19.
Five years ago on The Bachelor, “Will you accept this rose?” was the question I most often asked Catherine. Now it’s, “Smell this meat... should I risk it?” Marriage is a beautiful thing.
20.
There’s no way Jesus is okay with Peeps being the most popular Easter candy.
21.
I know we’re all worried about The Bachelor and all but I have much bigger, real world concerns. My kid didn’t want to eat a cinnamon roll this morning. A CINNAMON ROLL. Son... what son?
22.
I just drank my kid’s last apple juice & don’t feel a bit of remorse. I hope when he asks for his “juju” tomorrow, he understands it’s not there bc he doesn’t pay a single bill around here & life doesn’t always give you free handouts. He’s 20 months old, time to grow up.
23.
Catherine said the baby was kicking. I crouched down next to her tummy and told the baby if he kicks his mother again, he’ll be sent to his womb. Catherine didn’t laugh and I’m certain she regrets marrying me.
24.
No Bachelor tonight but don’t worry- I will livestream Catherine and me making out for an hour. After the makeout, she’ll discuss her fears & instead of responding appropriately, I’ll makeout with her some more. At the end of hour 2, I’ll ask her to go home *pending her approval
25.
Diet started today. Feeling good! Looking forward to my big meltdown this weekend when I take down a whole pack of Oreos in one sitting.
26.
Instead of the most dramatic season ever, I think I’d like to see the most sensible season of The Bachelor ever. Maybe the women could all get along, they could eat the delicious food on the dates and in the end, the Bachelor could choose a nice girl with good morals.
27.
The writers of The Bachelor did a great job pairing me with Catherine. Had my doubts when I first read the script, but five years later I’m starting to really like it.
28.
I don’t understand people at the movies who still have candy left after the previews. Mine is gone two minutes after sitting down and then I spend the next two hours thinking about how good it was and how much I miss it.
29.
Catherine and I are coming up on four years of marriage next month. At what point does the director yell cut? I had no idea The Bachelor would last so long when I signed up.
30.
Nothing motivates you to workout like accidentally opening your camera in selfie mode.
31.
I really hope Arie finds that one special woman this season because I'll be excited to read her new fashion blog and listen to her podcast.