13 Signs You’re Definitely Dying Right Now

WE SWEAR it's hypercarefulness, not hypochondria. Stop googling symptoms, and instead use ARC InstaTemp™'s easy, non-touch thermometer to make sure you're not dead.

1. You feel like your breathing might be weird.

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It sounds shallow, right? Is it supposed to sound like that? Is this normal? HELP OH NO THIS IS IT.

2. You've got chest pains.

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Why do panic attacks have to feel so much like heart attacks? CRUEL.

3. You're pretty sure you might have a fever.

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We mean, your head feels a bit warm. Do thermometers go in your mouth, armpit, or...? Also, ewww, is it covered in sick germs from last time? Wait, are these the last thoughts you're going to have???

4. Your co-worker is sick.

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WHY YOU GOTTA COME OUT IN PUBLIC AND SPREAD THE DARKNESS BRO.

5. You found some weird red bumps on your skin.

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If only there were a way to find out if you have smallpox without having to see the pictures. *shudder*

6. You let some rando friend of a friend have a sip of your drink.

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And then you felt like you HAD to drink your drink to show him you don't think he's a festering germ hive (even though he looked pretty ebola-y, tbh) and you're definitely going to die.

7. Your mouth feels crazy dry.

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And since you looked it up, you know it's a legit symptom of like 897,359,384 things. Death-y things.

8. You have zero energy.

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Which sounds like the internet's description of internal bleeding/hypothermia. NOPE.

9. There's this feeling like something is stuck in your throat.

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Prooooobably a tumor.

10. You have stomach pains.

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Which means you either a) somehow managed to eat broken glass/staples, b) have an appendix that's about to burst, or c) have heartburn.

It's cancer.

11. Your doctor seems way too dismissive.

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Just because leprosy is rare doesn't mean it's impossible, guy. TAKE US SERIOUSLY.

12. You felt dizzy when you stood up.

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Dizzy = vertigo = labyrinthitis = falling down = DEAD.

13. You have a headache.

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Which could be an embollism. You don't remember what that is, but you seem to remember it involving your head and it being bad. Or is that meningitis? Help.

Thankfully, the ARC InstaTemp™ non-touch thermometer gives you a stress-free way to lessen your TOTALLY LEGIT sickness stress.