So you decided to read Buzzfeed to sit back, relax and enjoy some 90s throwbacks.
Well turn back now, like right now, things are going to get icky.
You see, just like you I was minding my own business, and my friend decided to hit me with a horrifying fact.
“Jack, yanno we basically live in a Jungle?”...... oh here we go.
“Go on, why?”,
“Well we live with between 30 - 200 different bugs in our home”
“Yeah ….. ok, let me just adjust my hat”
He didn’t like that, so we agreed if he just shut up and finish his pint I’d look into it tomorrow.
And well yanno what? He was right, so I decided to list some of the most horrifying of the little bastards with you.
TRIGGER WARNING - LEGS
Coming In Strong
Yeah them cute bastards. Look here me out, to be an insect you need 6 legs, an arachnid 8. But 14? Come on now.
Woodlice are actually classified as crustaceans, which are made up of Crabs, Lobsters and apparently Woodlice. So how the heck is this in our homes, and where are you going to discover them?
Woodlice live in warm, moist areas - kinda like an insect sauna. Their lifestyle resembles that of a cockroach, hiding in deep crevices only to be discovered when a flash of light hits them, and they scuttle for cover.
They feast on decaying wood and plant waste, so you will find them in your houseplants, in the bathroom and even the kitchen.
They don’t carry diseases but they do carry a sac of 24 eggs. These eggs are ready to burst when the woodlouse finds a nice warm moist area to set up base camp in your home.
We don’t find them to be pests, but the thought of them carrying eggs and their ability to reproduce on their own is nauseating.
They get a 2/5 for being disgusting land sea creatures.
I swear something just bit me! - you know the feeling.
Something just doesn’t feel right on your arm and you begin to itch like mad, followed by a jolt of adrenaline surging through your body, and sending your limbs into a spasm.
Fleas are 6 legged insects that are carried into our homes by our dopey furred friends, yes I’m looking at you Fido and Mittens.
They follow them home, clinging to their fur where they pitch a tent, find a friend, make a family to feast on you and your pets.
Females lay batches of 20 hot eggs at a time and a further 4980 throughout their lives. These eggs drop to the floor and bounce into your carpet, your sofa and yes eekk - even your bed.
But it’s not so bad right? Well, the eggs crack open after 48 short hours, for the larvae to wriggle out in search for blood. And they don’t care where they get it from.
They take a 2 week holiday before emerging into a shark like insect, that detects your breathing, your heat and even your movements.
Once a target is located, they pounce 1.5 meters high and lock their fangs into their unsuspecting host. Their only interest is to drain their blood and find a partner to wreak havoc with, all over again.
Fleas are typically found in basements, puddles, fur, bed linen, sofas and hair - basically anywhere they can hide safely.
Fleas score a 4/ 5 for being a pest you don’t want near your family. You thought their itchy bites where love bites?
Wrong, they carry disease, bacteria, viruses and even disgusting tapeworms. On top of that, flea bites have been shown to make your hair drop out.
(Editor's note: Fuck you fleas)
#3 CENTIPEDES ARE BROS
Yes those things with a million legs and venom dripping off their long curved fangs.
Centipedes are found worldwide, from Antarctica to right here in the British isles and a lot of them have found their way into our homes - especially if you live in the countryside.
Now, I know a lot of you will hate anything with more than 4 legs, I mean why do you have sooo many, and why can’t you move in a predictable manner and not like that freak from the ring!
But, I don't mind them, here’s why:
They clean themselves like a kitten would, licking its feet and stroking their antennas. I mean cmon, who doesn’t like a bug that gets it ! and looks ‘on point’ all the time.
Whenever I’ve discovered one, it’s always in my kitchen under a plant pot just chilling. They know our hearts are weak and the site of them alone will cause an instant heart attack, so they stay put until night time.
When it’s time to come out (when we’re asleep) they turn into the James Bond of bugs, with a license to munch, crunch, chew and remove the rest of our house bugs.
They take out moths, flies, fleas, spiders, silverfish, cockroaches and i’ve even seen one get a wasp. These little bad asses are on our side and keep the other insects in check.
You’re likely to find them by plant pots, under carpets, in your bathroom and you definitely have them in your basement! And besides in the UK they’re not that big…. It’s kinda cute if you squint at it.
Not convinced? Take a look at this music video (yeah you read that right)
My verdict is scream like hell, run away from them and just leave them be.
They get a 2/5 from us !
Invisible to our eyes but practically everywhere. The war on mites is an ongoing one, known to cause skin conditions, asthma and even scabies.
These little critters feed on our dead skin, burry themselves in our faces, and it’s even suggested that 1/3 of our pillow weight is made up of them, and their feces. Talk about gross.
Mites are the cause of many of our family’s allergies. Watery eyes, itchy skin, hair falling out? It’s probably mites.
Adults have 8 legs like a spider, and burrow their way into your pores whilst you're sleeping. Face planted firmly into a sack full of mite farts!. Whilst in your pores they feast on sebum you produce and can irritate your skin.
Those that have allergies such as asthma, aren’t actually allergic to the mites themselves, but the mess of hazardous dung they produce whilst digesting your old skin flakes.
Thankfully most mites leave humans alone, and the ones that do decide we’re their version of MCDonalds, don’t actually live on us 24/7.
Rather they decide to disappear into our sofas, pillows and carpets. Waiting for our tasty skin to fall off before crawling out and silently digesting our waste.
Mites get a Solid 4/5 from us, go and fart on someone else.
Described due to their reflective colour and the nimble way they ‘swim’ across your floor, these little beasts have been around for millions of years.
And it’s likely they’ll outlive us too.
Often found in your bathroom and kitchen (or everywhere if you live in student accommodation), they like to hide in skirting boards or in the small gaps where your toilet touches the floor and your feet dangle.
They eat at night and survive on simple carbohydrates like sugars (I wish I could survive on a carb diet).
They change it up at times and eat starches - the material your carpet and clothes are weaved from.
You won’t notice if you’re living with these ‘fish’ as like most of the bugs on our list, they like to creep out at night. Funny huh?
They congregate together on the floor, until you turn on a light. Then like the toys from Toy Story, they dive back to their hiding place and you have to sit on the toilet like everything is fine!
Silverfish, lay around 60 slimy eggs at a time and it can take up to 2 months for these little critters to burst open.
Thankfully, they stay as juveniles and won’t start reproducing until 3 years old.
Although safe, will often give an impression that your home is not clean, even if it’s not the case.
It can be rather embarrassing for a friend to use your bathroom late at night, only to be greeted by a swarm of silverfish playing in your bath mat.
We give them a 3/5 simply for their annoyance factor, bugger off you prehistoric dinosaurs.
#6 CARPET BEETLES
Having recently won the award for being ‘the most annoying’ textile gobbler, narrowly beating the clothes moth.
Yes these Carpet beetles will eat your carpet, your sofa and even your Sunday bests! (do people still have Sunday bests?)
Mistakenly, it’s not the Beetle itself that tears through your sofa like a Bear eating a honey glazed Salmon.
But their larvae, with their hundreds of razor sharp teeth and an instinct to drill into fabric to get fat.
The unfortunate thing is, many people don’t know they have these lurking in their home until it’s too late.
The adult Beetles spend their time in your garden enjoying the pollen on your plants. Until one month during summer they decide it’s time!
They’re drawn to warmth and fabric, making their way in using our air ducts and windows. They look for a quiet area to deposit a sac full of their children for us to look after.
Thankfully they don’t attack humans and are drawn to the outside once they’ve eaten everything in sight (to then go and feast on our flowers in bloom) gee - thanks.
We give these a modest 4/5 they’re users. There is no benefit to them, and you rarely see them. You’re just left to pick up the pieces (literally) of the destruction they’ve caused in our homes.
You knew this was coming, there’s a good chance you’ve even just scrolled here to see if they exist in the UK. Yup very much so, they’re not just an annoyance you see on the streets of Benidorm! And we will not be delicate on them.
Hisss, Churp, Hiss, Churp - the sound is indistinguible and followed by the tiny metallic stabbing of their legs punching the ground as they fly across a room.
You know when you’ve got Cockroaches almost immediately, the smell of decay burns through your nostrils, making your throat close up and your eyes water.
No amount of air freshener will disguise that smell.
Cockroaches in the UK will not survive our harsh climates and are forced to live indoors.
Living for months without food but deprived of water, they will perish within days. You can be sure to find them within cities, jumping, crawling and flying between buildings.
Carrying all sorts of evil bacteria, parasitic worms and viruses, then spreading them on every surface you eat from. Cockroaches know no bounds.
They’ll eat fecal matter and settle for your foods leftovers, heck if you squish one they’ll even turn into cannibals just to see what another cockroach tastes like.
Where there’s one - there's hundreds. Maybe even hundreds of thousands. Cockroaches live in your warm cozy walls, or under the radiator of your fridge. There is no ‘Netflix and Chill’ with them.
They get busy with the ‘Chilling’ almost instantly.
Females can carry many sacs of eggs; each sac carrying up to 48 eggs at a time - all ready to burst open. Queen ants have to step down, there’s a new matriarch in town.
As One female can be responsible for up to 35,000 roaches - Good Luck getting rid of that infection, i’d just burn my house down.
You think you cleared the infection? But all it takes is one egg to survive your culling, and within a month you’ve got yourself a full fledged invasion again, as your walls are alive!
Almost impossible to kill and again coming from the prehistoric ages. Cockroaches are well adapted to living in our homes and spreading their diseases.
Tales of chopping their heads off, just to watch their body scuttle off and to continue to live have echoed our childhood horror stories.
The Cockroach gets a full 6/5 and if you’re unfortunate to ever be plagued with this monster, we deeply feel for you.
And if it's ok with you, I'm off to take a shower. Thanks Dave, thanks for that interesting fact.....