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60 All-Too-Real Things Every New Yorker Has Done But Would Never Tell You

Forgive us, NYC, for we have sinned.

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1. Told your date you were taking the subway so you'd appear virtuous, then walked around the block and hopped in a cab.

2. Quietly and discreetly vomited out the window of a cab because there's no way in hell you're willing to risk making the driver mad at you by barfing inside it, no matter how drunk you are.

3. Pretended not to see the ambiguously old person nearby on the subway because it's been a long day, and you don't wanna give up your seat.

4. Also pretended not to see the mom carrying the giant stroller as you're walking up the stairs.

5. Used the breeze from an arriving subway car to evaporate the beads of sweat forming around your hairline on a muggy summer day.

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6. Dodged eye contact with performers in the subway cars when they're collecting money, even though they're really good — but you need those quarters for laundry day.

7. Fallen in love with someone on the train and made up a whole cool story of your affair in your head, without ever actually walking over because you don't wanna be weird.

8. Thrown up on the subway into your bag, all while pretending like you are looking for something REAL hard.

9. Shaken your head at the turnstile to make it look like it's broken after you aren't able to swipe it on the first try.

10. Fantasized about jumping in front of the train.

11. Eaten a Thomas's bagel or its equivalent — AND HONESTLY LIKED IT.

12. Walked into a nice restaurant or hotel like you were gonna eat or stay there, but actually instead made a beeline straight for the bathroom.

13. Thrown up on the Lower East Side, only to drink more, eat more pizza after, and then throw up again — only to blame it on the "wild crowd that night."

14. Asked your bagel guy to double toast your fresh, doughy, just-made-this-morning-with-love bagel.

15. Blotted the grease off your pizza when no one was looking.

16. Ordered from Domino's or Papa John's despite our surplus of superior pizza by the slice.

Flickr: scpgt

17. Eaten at Olive Garden and actually enjoyed it — it's a really good lunch deal!

18. Grabbed napkins from a pizza joint to mop up sweat.

19. Eaten most of your Whole Foods buffet dinner on the sly while "shopping" for other stuff, so by the time you get up to pay, your total is like $3.04.

20. Taken off your hat so you can get thirds in the Trader Joe's free sample line without being ~recognized~.

21. Told your friends you had to get home when they went to get drunk pizza, because you — gasp — just weren't in the mood for drunk pizza.

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22. Moved in with your S.O. a litttttle bit earlier than you would have otherwise because you wanted to save money on rent.

23. Ordered Chinese food before your date arrived and said you made it.

24. Left a date because you "had to go," i.e., "had to go get pizza." By yourself.

25. Confidently climbed like a spider monkey up your very sketchy/dangerous fire escape ladder while drunk AF at 3 a.m. to show off your roof and its subpar view of the Manhattan skyline to your hookup or date.

26. Set Tinder settings to one mile because there is no way you're actually getting on the subway for a first date.

27. Taken a cross-borough Uber at night because sex.

28. Ended a relationship because that person lived on a shitty subway line.

29. Wondered if your apartment neighbors could hear you having sex.

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30. Taken toilet paper from work when you're broke.

31. Walked into Sephora regularly over the course of months to get a tester of a perfume you're too cheap to buy.

32. Refused to ever pay more than $1 for the Met or the Museum of Natural History.

33. Lied about your rent.

34. Legit smiled at a stranger on the street instead of having steady bitchface as you walk to the train.

35. Actually enjoyed being in Midtown. Bryant Park is underrated!

36. Jumped about a mile when a pigeon flew too close to your face, and started air-swiping the sky to make sure it knows not to mess with you.

37. Yelled, "No! TRAGEDY ONLY!" at the "Do you like comedy?" dudes selling tickets.

38. Similarly, yelled "I hate [insert cause]" at those poor charity workers.

39. Humblebragged about being a New Yorker to your friends and family back home.

40. Secretly thought that Times Square was sort of pretty as you were walking through griping about how much you hate it.

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41. Gently and discreetly tripped someone in a crowd after they were rude to you.

42. Also, *accidentally* shaken out your wet umbrella on someone who was rude to you.

43. Continued to walk in the path of someone who wasn't aware they were about to crash into you because they were busy looking at their phone.

44. Waved and greeted and run after a total stranger only to realize it's not the right person.

45. Peed in the street or on someone's doorstep because there were no stores with bathrooms in sight and it was dark.

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46. Exited a subway station, walked VERY confidently in the wrong direction for three blocks, and then pretended to look in your bag and make a mad huffy face so people would think you were turning around because you forgot something.

47. Given a tourist directions confidently when you actually have no idea where you just led them.

48. Or given a tourist directions confidently, realized after they left that you sent them the wrong way, and then didn't chase after them to fix your mistake.

49. Gotten lost in the West Village. (Let's all be honest: It's confusing AF down there.)

50. Lied about the subway not running, or being delayed, to get out of going to things.

51. Or decided as soon as you got an invitation for a weekend evening party in a different borough that you couldn't make it.

52. Taken a cab like three avenues home from the train station because you were too drunk to walk.

53. Decided you'd rather get a ticket than have to move your car/look for parking.

54. Taken a cab instead of the subway just so you could have a semi-private phone conversation (and not give any fucks about your cab driver hearing your whole life story).

Jean-nicolas Nault / Getty Images

55. Willingly bought overpriced grocery items from the bodega on the corner just because it's more convenient.

56. Seamlessed three meals in one day.

57. Or had breakfast, lunch, and dinner at the same shitty diner across the street from you.

58. Or even ordered delivery from the restaurant across the street.

59. Literally never separated your laundry at the laundromat, ever, because who has time for that.

60. Wasted a perfectly lovely weekend binge-watching on Netflix instead of going out and enjoying the greatest city in the world.

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