8 Conspiracy Theories About The University Of Michigan

Everything you thought you knew is a lie. I authorize myself as an authority figure so you can accept what I say as indelible truth.

1. Stepping on the Block M in the Diag will make student's fail their first blue book exam

Via admissions.umich.edu

The University, family, and society put severe stress on students to succeed. So much so that their minds are easily manipulated into believing the idea that stepping on the Block M in the diag will cause them to fail their first blue book exam. The University has fostered and supported this superstition to preserve their symbol of overpriced, privatized education, which is left untouched in the center of the campus as the proletariat is forced to look at it as a sacred symbol of knowledge and frightening threat of failure.

2. The Union is never going to reopen

Via uunions.umich.edu

The recent closing of the Union with the promise of a reUnion in two years time connotes similar false promises made by the University about the new Bio building. Now graduating Seniors had been promised they would take classes in the building that is currently still under construction. Posters with the opening date of Fall 2017 were removed in hopes it would help students forget that the University is full of lies just in time for them to claim that current students will ever even see the inside of the Union again.

3. Hatcher library is haunted by the ghost of students' lost dreams

Joseph Xu, Michigan Engineering Communications & Marketing / Via Flickr: michigan-engineering

Bright, hopeful dough-eyed high school Seniors are deers in the headlights of nostalgia and newly minted independence when they step onto the University of Michigan campus in the fall. They are filled with the expectation that their high school success will follow them into the hallowed, erudite halls of college; however, they are quickly met with the cruel realization that success in high school now means nothing. Suddenly students who barely had to lift a finger to get an A are stuck in libraries like Hatcher at all hours of the night to try and scrape by with an acceptable GPA. The last flickers of hope in their souls leave their body as they check Can(t)vas and see they got an 89 on yet another paper. It has been cited that those last flickers of hope can be seen like fire flies around campus at night and are especially prominent in the Reference Room in the Hatcher Graduate Library.

4. Hash Bash is orchestrated by high up administrators

Courtney Cook / Via facebook.com

The reputation of a university lies in the achievement of its students. Therefore, the administration of the University of Michigan is motivated to push students to work hard. However, the only way to truly achieve that goal is to make the students think it’s their own idea. Hash Bash offers the perfect combination of the promise of weed to draw students in as well as weird hippies from around the area. Despite the mass amount of trashy people, their goats, and quirky fairs, these people never seem to be found around the Ann Arbor area at any other time during the year. This suggests that high up administrators are hiring actors and bringing people in from around Michigan to pretend to be insane and scare students into what life could be like if they drop out of Michigan and try to make it in the world without a college education.

5. The Orion sculpture is Illuminati confirmed

Via hisour.com

Supposedly the large red sculpture on South State Street is an advanced art piece that can spell “art” from any viewing point. Not only is that false and purely a figment of the imagination, but it is also a cover up of the fact that the sculpture is a piece of Illuminati imagery. What is often falsely mistaken as part of the word “art” is in fact the Illuminati triangle. Furthermore, the sculpture is made of red metal. Red is widely accepted as the official color of the Illuminati. The Illuminati is driving the agenda of the New World Order: a secret totalitarian world government. The central presence of the sculpture suggests that the University of Michigan has fallen victim to the puppeteering of the Illuminati.

6. CAPS doesn't actually exist

Via sapac.umich.edu

The University pushes the agenda of CAPS much like Greek Life* (*Fraternity and Sorority Life) pushes hazing on campus. The University claims that CAPS is there to actually provide troubled students with Counseling and Psychological Services; however, students looking for help are met with waitlists, unavailability, and inexperienced, misguided help with some students citing they were told they needed “to get a therapist.” It’s possible that CAPS doesn’t actually exist and is simply a front for the University to glean additional fundraising dollars and further tuition hikes without raising suspicion.

7. The Comforter is possessed

Via umma.umich.edu

The University of Michigan Museum of Art rotates different art installations through a large glass-walled room facing South State Street. During Fall term, a peaceful light installation twinkled away as students walked by the highly trafficked location. Around the start of Winter term, the lights were replaced with a solitary, hyper-realistic statue of a young girl, covered in body hair, holding what looks like a giant hand with a mouth called the Comforter. Students on campus have responded overwhelmingly negatively to the disturbing art piece and have been met with silence by University officials. The only reasonable explanation for an art piece to cause such a disturbance to the campus environment is possession by the devil itself. Upon closer observation at the witching hour (3am), one can clearly see a red 666 insignia on the strange object the Comforter is holding and even a slight red glow emanating eerily from the Comforter’s glassy eyes. These observations are completely credible and lead only to the conclusion that the Comforter is possessed by the devil and should be removed immediately.

8. Students who get a 4.0 GPA every semester are reincarnated as campus squirrels

Tristan Ipock / Via paisano-online.com

The University of Michigan Campus is littered with squirrels. There is only one reasonable explanation for the massive campus squirrel population: students who get a 4.0 GPA every semester are reincarnated as campus squirrels. This is also evident by the extreme comfort that campus squirrels tend to have around students. Clearly that comfort is rooted from their past life as University of Michigan students themselves. The reincarnation theory also explains why University officials have done absolutely nothing to deal with the gross overpopulation of squirrels.