1. Order everything you want from your favorite delivery place, plus enough for leftovers tomorrow.
In the "special instructions" box, make sure to write: ONLY ONE PAIR OF SILVERWARE PLEASE THIS IS ALL FOR ME. You will not be shaded by multiple sets of silverware on Your Day.
2. Buy yourself a fancy-ass robe and sit around drinking tea out of goblet like some decadent royal.
"Fancy" of the fluffy OR silky variety.
3. Send yourself some flowers.
ESPECIALLY if you have them delivered to you in a public place where other people will witness and be like damn. Alternatively, if you think sending yourself flowers is a little too extra (IT'S NOT), you can also bully a friend into doing a swap where you both send each other flowers and everyone wins.
4. Go play Very Seriously with adoptable pets all day.
Make sure you play with all of the cats and dogs so you can make an accurate assessment of which would be a personality match for you.
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5. Brag about something you're proud of on social media, because the world always needs a reminder of how awesome you are.
Toot your own horn. Post some fire selfies. #TBT to a project that never got enough recognition. OWN YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
6. Go to the closest department store and stock up on free samples of designer perfume or cologne you can't afford and enjoy smelling fancier than you'll ever be.
If you're into finding scents that are allegedly good for stress or mood-boosting or whatever you need, feel free to do your #research.
7. Binge-watch an entire show you keep saying you're going to get around to.
Y'know that one show that whenever people ask if you've seen it, you're always like, "OH YEAH, IT'S ON MY LIST~"??? It's time. You've earned it.
8. Get yourself a whole cake. LIKE, A WHOLE CAKE, NOT JUST A SLICE.
Bonus points if you customize the cake, preferably with a giant picture of your face or at least CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR EXISTENCE! written in very delicious frosting. A fancy cupcake will also suffice.
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9. Book someone to deep clean your home, go out for a massage while it's happening, and then come back and enjoy pretending that you're a relaxed human who actually has their life together.
Handy (50% off your first home cleaning!!) and TaskRabbit have some affordable options in this realm.
10. Grab a friend and come up with new identities to test out at a bar, restaurant, IKEA, whatever to get out of your own head for awhile.
Complete with fake names and backstories. Bonus points if you come up with an accent.
11. Go free-sampling at your grocery store of choice and leave without buying anything.
Feel free to go back for a second round with a half-assed disguise if you don't find yourself fully satiated.
12. Give yourself an intense makeover and take so many over-the-top selfies that your camera roll becomes a beautiful mosaic of your beautiful face.
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13. Or finally commit to that dramatic hair or clothes transformation so you can rise like a phoenix from the ashes of your funk.
14. Spend an hour planning an elaborate dream vacation.
We're talking Taking A Year Off From Your Responsibilities And Traversing The Globe However You Please levels of elaborateness.
15. Get some new PJs, take a long luxurious shower or bath, and then clear your day for the most EXTRAVAGANT NAP OF ALL TIME.
If shaving your legs or other bits increases your skin-to-sheet enjoyment, DO THAT TOO.
16. Go on a candle-smelling adventure and don't stop until you find The Scent that you will lavishly burn all weekend.
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17. Spend a day at the movies catching up on all those new releases and enjoy your cultural relevance for weeks to come.
You should definitely buy tickets for all of them and NOT try to double-or-triple-or-quadruple-feature these showings through sneaky, nefarious means. However, WE CAN'T STOP YOU, YOU ARE YOUR OWN PERSON.
18. Curate the soundtrack of your life and have it queued up for moments you need to pretend you're in a music video or movie montage.
For example: if you want to ride around on a train, bus, subway, whatever~, and stare dramatically out the window while pretending to be a mysterious runaway on your way to start a new life.
19. Have a nice long masturbation date with yourself, maybe even with a BRAND NEW TOY.
You probably have your groove and know how to get yourself off quickly, but YOU DESERVE FOREPLAY. Light some candles, try something new, get to know your body, try to set a new personal record for most orgasms, WHATEVER. HAVE FUN.
20. Book yourself a last-minute hotel for the night with the help of Hotel Tonight or a similarly helpful discount app.
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21. Write over-the-top thank you letters to everyone whose existence you're currently happy about.
Expressing gratitude offers a legit boost to your mental health and mood. Also, who wouldn't want to receive a letter like that?
22. Come up with a personalized stripping playlist, draw the shades, and practice the ART OF SEDUCTION.
~Seduce yourself~.
23. Make a Very Legit blanket and pillow fort, crawl in, and proceed to hermit in there until you feel marginally better about the world that's waiting for you outside.
24. Look up your full astrological chart so you can blame your quirks, habits, fuck-ups, and general ennui on the stars and consequently feel better about your multi-dimensional humanness.
Go analyze the recesses of your heart and soul and discover that you're perfect the way you are, because THE SKY DESTINED IT.
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25. Don an incredibly wide-brimmed and floppy hat and sunglasses to lounge around people-watching.
Occasionally pass some petty-but-ultimately-harmless judgment before returning to pleasanter thoughts.
26. Pretend to furniture shop and spend the day testing out squishy showroom couches and mattresses.
27. Go outside and find stars and constellations with the help of Sky Map or a similar app, and marvel at how large the universe is.
28. Take a moment to reflect on how cool 13-year-old you would think you are now.
Seriously, any bare level of competency or minor accomplishment would seem SO FUCKING COOL to your tween self and you know it. If you need help here, feel free to write out all the things you dig about yourself or accomplishments you're proud of and then read the list AT LEAST SEVEN TIMES.
29. Write out your official bio as you hope it looks 5-10 years from now and revel in what a badass you're definitely going to be.
Like, a goals list, but harnessing the LAW OF ATTRACTION. Dream fuckin' big, babe.
30. And when in doubt, sigh very, very loudly so everyone can be attuned to your suffering and then lavish you with attention.
Preferably while stretched across a velvet couch or grand piano, but anywhere with witnesses will do.
