19 Of Your Most Mortifying Condom Stories
All the condom hilarity you can stand without that lingering latex smell.
1. Aim for the bewbs.
"My boyfriend and I were finishing up, and he decided he wanted to do a cum shot on my décolletage and neck. So he rips off the condom and ejaculates. Two minutes later I start to get uncomfortable — both downstairs, and up top. I had a red, itchy rash EVERYWHERE that the condom and ejaculate touched. Guess who's allergic to latex?"
2. Good ol' skinny fingers.
"My boyfriend's condom got stuck inside of me and I had to have him help me fish it out of my vagina — because his fingers were longer."
3. The Jimmy Caps.
"I dated an Egyptian guy with a VERY thick accent, and the first time we were meeting for sex, he called to ask me if I had any 'Jimmy Caps.' Needless to say, I had no idea what he meant and I spent 30 minutes at a drug store looking for a candy called 'Jimmy Caps.'
I finally showed up with a box of Milk Duds and he looked at me like I was crazy and mimed rolling a condom on. I pulled out some rubbers. He smiled and said, 'I thought all Americans call these Jimmy Caps.' To which I replied, 'I thought all Egyptians eat a candy called Jimmy Caps before sex.'"
4. This gum tastes weird.
"In sixth grade I went to school in Toronto, right near a busy entertainment district. One of my friends came back from lunch and said these guys were giving out free chewing gum down the street and it was awesome. He said it was different and the texture wasn't like traditional gum...well, it was different all right. Turns out when he pulled out the wrapper to show us, he was actually chewing on an green apple flavored condom!"
—Emily Hosies on Facebook
5. Let's just be honest.
"One time I was...
Never mind, I'm not fooling anyone. I don't have sex."
—Jacob Rich on Facebook
6. Dumpster children.
"My dad texted me to tell me that my 9-year-old sister had found a discarded condom box in the trash bins outside my house and angrily asked if I could be more discreet in future. I was too appalled and embarrassed at the time to ask what my 9-year-old sister was doing going through the trash bins outside my house."
7. The new ~balloon~.
"My boyfriend and I stayed at a friend's apartment one night and after getting out of the elevator we approached a little girl who ran up to us to show us her new 'balloon.' We asked her where she found it and she answered proudly, 'Mommy and Daddy's garbage!' She then proceeded to put the (obviously used) condom up to her mouth in an attempt to inflate it as we watched in terror. My boyfriend finally convinced her to let us throw it away. Hopefully this incident will be erased from this small child's memory to avoid some serious trauma in her future…"
8. Let's never speak of this again.
"When I was 18, I was at a Walgreens buying condoms. While I was perusing the options, I accidentally bumped into a middle-aged man. As I began to apologize for bumping into him, I looked up and it was my dad. We were both mortified, and still have not talked about it to this day."
9. The Fiddler on the Roof.
"After my first time, my boyfriend thought he'd be goofy…by slapping me in the face with the used condom. In his dead grandmother's Subaru. In the mall parking lot.
We did get breakfast foods afterward and watched Fiddler on the Roof so…all good…?"
10. Four Condoms and a Funeral.
"My first time (and his), he kept pulling out and would put on a new condom each time before putting it back in. Then he started crying because he was afraid of hurting me. He's affectionately remembered as Four Condoms and a Funeral."
11. The super sucker.
"I was with my first boyfriend and we were experimenting and doing lots of unflattering positions. After he'd 'finished' I looked down and the condom had disappeared. We looked everywhere frantically for it then both realised it must be inside me. I tried to fish for it with my hand but I couldn't reach...so my boyfriend had to suck it out of me. He succeeded, but it's one of the most embarrassing things ever to happen to me."
12. Gross, Dad.
"One morning during my senior year of high school I was suffering from senioritis and wanted to stay home, so I went into my parents' room and crawled into bed next to my mom to whine. I was stretching out on the bed trying to convince her when my hand touched something cold and wet under the pillow. I leapt back, shrieking and horrified, as my mother just looked at me grinning and said, 'Oh, your father was too lazy to throw it away last night.' Needless to say I went to school that day."
13. The safest hand job ever.
"When I first started getting sexually active, I was about to give a guy a hand job, but I got my facts twisted and asked him how many condoms we'd need for it. I got a very funny look. Let's just say we didn't hook up again after that."
14. The curious incident of the dog in the nighttime.
"When my husband and I were engaged, we were both living with our parents, so alone time was rare. His parents went out of town for a few days and I went over there for...uhh...romance. Apparently he forgot to throw the condom in the trash when we were done, because his mom (now my mother-in-law) found the condom…in the dog's turd. The. Dog. Ate. The. Condom."
15. Mother knows best.
"I had an allergic reaction to a mint-flavored condom. When I had to explain to my mom why I was vomiting when I came home, her response was, 'Why were you giving him a blow job with a condom on anyway?!' Thanks, Mom."
16. Water works.
"When I first lost my virginity, I was so paranoid and freaked out that I kept the condom we used for six weeks, periodically filling it with water to make sure it didn't have any holes in it."
17. Great dinner conversation.
"My high school boyfriend's mom placed an empty condom wrapper on the table while we were eating dinner and said, 'Please don't leave these lying around, they make your stepfather very angry' and then continued eating as if she hadn't said anything."
18. The best water balloon ever.
"When I was 8, my friend and I were riding our bikes when we stumbled upon a 'water balloon' lying on the sidewalk. I was so shocked by its enormous size that I willingly picked up what was, in fact, a used condom. I carried the lubed-up mess with me as I peddled excitedly back to my apartment to show my mom my discovery. Needless to say, she was horrified to see her daughter's little hands covered in an unknown man's ejaculate."
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.