Mercury is in retrograde. What does that mean? You don't know, but you've heard it several times this week, so it must be true, and you know it's bad. Like gluten.
But there's an upside, because all the things going wrong in your life, you can blame them on Mercury. That damn retrograde! Let's shrug off all our problems until Mercury is, like, in future grade, or whatever.
1. Boyfriend dumped you?
2. Wife left you for one of her grad students.
3. Pigeon pooped on your head.
4. Missed your train.
5. You were already running late for a meeting.
6. Got fired.
7. Couldn't pay your bills.
8. Got evicted.
Mercury in retrograde!
9. Dropped your phone in the toilet.
10. Accidentally sent n00dz to your boss.
11. Cat died.
12. Got a finger nail in your Taco Bell.
13. No ripe avocados in the entire fucking pile.
14. Cat came back to life, now haunting house.
15. Raaaiiiinnnnnn, on your wedding day.
16. Alanis stuck in your head all day.
17. Over-drafted at Taco Bell.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Mercury Retrograde
18. Stepped in poop.
19. Poop stepped in you.
20. Subway crab stole your cigarette.
21. Crab got lung cancer.
22. Got a parking ticket.
23. Ran out of gas on the way to work.
24. Lost your job.
25. Parked on side of highway, crying.
26. Got another ticket for parking on the side of the highway.
27. Literally hit someone with your car and they died.
28. Dropped your baby.
29. Favorite yogurt place burnt down.
30. Dropped baby in yogurt.
31. Dropped baby in inferior yogurt from second-tier yogurt place.
32. Baby forever smells like cheap yogurt.
33. Baby grew into a teenager who changed her name to Mercury Retrograde.