I think it's fair to say a lot of people have a love-hate relationship with their vagina. Vaginas are tough, resilient, and, generally speaking, are all-around pretty damn great to have. But sometimes, all you wanna do is scream about how unbelievably annoying they are because your period once again ruined your favorite pair of underwear.
1. "When you’re just standing, minding your business, and you feel that warm gush of thick liquid come out."
"You aren’t sure if it’s your period or a bunch of discharge, but either way, your underwear is fucked and you need to go to the bathroom to check right away."
"It's worse when it's summer or if you live somewhere hot and the sweat confuses things."
2. "How temperamental it is because of its sensitivity."
"Have hair? Itches. Shave? Itches more. Errant hair that's no longer attached? Stabby. Get too sweaty? OMG, the itching. Get too dry? Sandpaper. Clit comes out from under the hood and gets irritated on hair or panties. Getting a lip stuck in lace panties. Having your pad lift up and stick to the most inconvenient place."
3. When your vagina discolors your underwear or lingerie.
"'That's a real nice pair of underwear I see you've splurged on. Would be a real shame if something were to discolor it, huh?' —Vagina"
4. "The fact that a doctor has to cram clamps in and crank them wide open to exam your regular physical health."
5. "Bacterial vaginosis. It can be avoided, it can also happen just because it's Tuesday."
"Period just got done? Here, have BV. Too much sex? Have it again for a few days. Wore non-cotton underwear? Better have some BV. Mercury is in retrograde? Sure, why not, here’s some more BV just because."
6. "When you're leaning back and fart but it creeps forward up into your vagina and you have to do an awkward bend to refart the fart."
7. "Being judged by how it looks."
"Sorry mine isn't a perfect porn star–looking pussy, but it doesn't mean I've slept with 100 guys."
8. "When you get up in the morning when you're on your period."
"You wake up to either (1) you're bleeding a lot and fast, or (2) it has all rolled out the side of your pad and underwear, you are covered in blood, and now need to change the sheets, your clothes, and you might as well shower, too."
10. "How vaginal tissue can tear and get snipped during labor."
"I've been stitched down there for other reasons and the scar tissue is a lifetime bitch. I'm very scared of actually getting pregnant and giving birth. My mother has permanent continence issues after birthing three children."
11. "The brown discharge before and after your period."
"You think you’re on your period, so you put on a pad, but you’re not on it yet, so the pad gets wasted on that bit of discharge. It also is uncomfortable."
12. Getting Mittelschmerz pains two weeks before your period.
"I get pains when I’m fertile, for some reason. BAM cramp two weeks early, get fucked."
FYI: Mittelschmerz pains happen when your ovary releases an egg, and can last anywhere from minutes to hours. They can be mild or severe enough that the pain "mimics appendicitis." You can learn more about them here.
13. "Having to maintain the oh-so-delicate pH balance."
"Otherwise, BOOM, thrush. BOOM, BV. Want a hot bath, or to work out, or have sex? Fine, but be prepared for the BOOM."
14. "When you sneeze while you're on your period, sending a huge wave of blood (some as gelatinous blobs) flying at full speed out of you, causing a flood in the panties and a sudden rush to check yourself."
15. "When you're 'wet just because.'"
"Did I start my period randomly? Nah, wet just because. Being wet also doesn't always mean horny. Just depends on your hormone levels throughout the month."
16. "When your panties are too thin in the coochie part and now your lips are fighting which one gets to sit in the panty."
17. "That tiny wet patch when you get up off a plastic or leather chair."
"It's way more noticeable if it’s a dark surface. You know you haven’t peed, leaked or anything else wet, but all the internally generated warmth just compressed between your vagina and butt means it’ll be there and it’ll hang around just long enough for others to wonder why you’re hovering over your chair."
18. "The mood swings the week before your period."
"I don't really mind periods, mine are shorter and shorter the older I get. But the mood swings the week before them, damn I hate, hate, hate those five pre-period days."
19. "That nobody takes you seriously if you’re in abnormal amounts of pain during your period."
"For two days in the middle of my period, it’s been absolute hell and getting worse. Crippling pain that sends me to my knees and now needs opioids to calm it down, bigger and more frequent clots, increasingly heavy flow. I saw a doctor requesting a referral to my OB-GYN and was waved off with a 'monitor it and come back in three months.' Maddening."
20. And finally, "the fact that far too many people, both who have them and who don't have them, don't know enough about them."
"Education would solve so many problems."