Here's What I've Learned From Watching 7329801 Episodes Of Forensic Files

After watching LITERALLY this exact number of Forensic Files episodes, I've learned there are a lot of do's and don'ts when it comes to outing someone. And most of these things are common sense, but there are some tricks to the trade you can only learn if you binge watch every season of this show. Now, I'm not condoning murder AT ALL. Buuuuut if you happen to be a felon in a women's prison in "Chicago" and he had it comin'... here's what to do and not to do. You'll thank me later. (But seriously please don't kill anyone. Just be chill and live your life.)

First thing's first: Do not, I repeat... DO NOT trust anyone.

No. I mean it. Not even your mom. Forget an accomplice. They'll snitch on you the first chance they get. No one is trustworthy. If you want to get away with it... zip it sister.

Prepare this shit WAYYYY in advance.

I'm talking YEARS in advance. On the night of the crime, wear shoes and clothes you bought from Walmart in 2003. And pick a size too big. Common clothing is key. No sequins either. They can track that right down to the brand and store it came from.

Don't keep the murder weapon.

Seriously. Do not put the knife back in your kitchen. Don't try to hide it in your house. If you're going to hide it, pick an ocean. Maybe it'll help an innocent little fish fight off a shark someday.

Do, however, take precautions and clean up.

Seriously, this one's a no-brainer. But I've seen sloppy cleaning jobs send countless criminals straight to the slammer. Wear gloves. Wear a hair net. Also, bring a shit ton of bleach.

Dont be the spouse.

It's always the spouse.

This is how so many people get caught. DON'T CALL ANYONE DURING THE CRIME!

Seriously! Don't even have your phone on you! Cell phone towers can give away your location at the time of the crime. What you SHOULD do is tie it to your dog's collar at home. Maybe make it play cat noises. Your dog will be bored while you're out killing people.

And finally, don't actually kill anyone.

If you don't commit the crime, you won't go to jail for it... usually. All 7329801 episodes end with someone being caught. Police and Forensic Investigators are just too good. So just don't do it. Just be a good person and if you ever feel like murdering anyone, just pop in "Chicago" and sing your rage out. It works.